I Appreciate a Good Day

I wrote this yesterday while I was at work....when I have a hard time focusing, I try to write something other than what I'm working on and it usually helps.  Go figure.

Today is actually a decent day (knock on wooden-like desk).

 

I did cry today, but for a short time and I kind of brought it upon myself.  I started to wonder if one of Emily’s teachers was back yet from medical leave, which made me think of what it will be like when I do see her. She had met my parents once at Grandparents’ Day lunch last year and she remarked on how much Emily looked like my mom; I know that she knows she passed away.  So in my head, I envisioned her saying how sorry she was and asking how we were all doing. So that made me cry.  Other people’s sympathy and condolences make me cry; my dad and I are a lot alike in that area.  Other people being nice, being sympathetic, saying how sorry they are and sharing in our grief makes us both cry.  Sometimes other people’s generosity of spirit really just amazes me.

 

I try very hard to not think of things that I know will upset me, but I am a future planner.  I have a vacation planned in three weeks, the first time I’ve had away to myself since the baby was born, and I keep coming up with things that I need to do before I leave and things to do once I’m there and then there’s April.  My mom’s birthday, Easter, and my birthday all fall within a week of each other this year so that’s been on my mind as well.  I thought I would handle Easter first, and then my mom’s birthday but it turns out they are the very same weekend.  But I’m trying to not think too much about it because all three of those things will ruin what has started off to be a relatively decent day.

 

There is this song that the band Train sings called “You Can Finally Meet My Mom”; it’s about the lead singer’s wife meeting his mom when they die.  His mother died back before they hit it big; “Drops of Jupiter” is also about his mother.  The first time I heard the song, it made me think of my best friend from college who was killed almost 5 years ago in a car accident with her mom and her aunt; there are people in my life now – my daughter, for example – that Donna never met.  And I couldn’t listen to the song because it made me sad to know that Emily won’t meet Donna until her time has come (which seriously better not be until she is 95 and I am long, long gone). Donna was a great woman and, although I believe that things happen for a reason, I still don’t think she should have lost her life at such a young age.  But anyway, the song now has new meaning for me, and I especially struggle to listen to it now although it is a great song.  The lyrics go “…Everybody upstairs, everybody downstairs, I’m not gonna have time to hang out with them, cause I’ll be hanging out with you, not  Jimmie Hendrix Jesus or the dude that played the Sheriff in Blazing Saddles…..and oh I’ve waited so long, you can finally meet my mom”.  There are people in my life, now or in some time in the future, who will not know her in this life.  It’s very strange to know that.  And it includes my daughter; when you think about it, she’ll only know my mom through our stories and pictures.  She won’t really know her or meet her until they meet again in another place or life.  Very strange, indeed.