At A Bit of a Loss

So here it is.  It’s the Friday before the anniversary, and all day I haven’t felt much of anything to be honest.  I don’t remember what I did with myself a year ago today, so this day has very little significance to me in the grand scheme of things.  But as the day has progressed, and the weekend has gotten closer, my mood has certainly started to shift.  I don’t want Sunday to come.  Not that Sunday changes anything at all because it doesn’t.  There’s not much that can change at this point.  But Sunday isn’t just the anniversary of my mom passing away; it’s the anniversary of my entire life changing, and not necessarily for the better.  Let’s be honest – the past year has been horrible, overall.  Yes, there has been good.  I saw one of my best friends marry a man, in England no less, who makes her ridiculously happy.  I went on a fantastic vacation with another one of my best friends.  I went on a fantastic vacation with my family.  The rest of my family is alive and well, okay relatively well.  The entire year wasn’t horrific.  But – there was a cloud over all of it,   one that I couldn’t run from, one that didn’t leave when the sun came out (even when the sun came out over my head as I sat in a pool with a drink in my hand, watching my daughter play).  In every happy event, there was some sadness for me.  Whether I shed tears as a song played that also played at my mother’s funeral, whether it was being thankful for a day that must have been laid out by her or some other divine entity for it to have been just that good.  A lot of tears were shed in the last 365 days, in good times and in bad.  And they continue to come.

As I sit here typing away, in my office, with tears in my eyes once more, I am at a loss for words other than what I’ve already said.  Time has moved forward, without her, and a part of me will never be the same again.  I miss her and I wish that, a year ago, things had been different than they were.  But no amount of wishing will change the past, so I will sit with my choked back tears a little bit longer, and then I’ll get up and go home.  Move on with my day, move forward for another day in my life without a mom.