Still Not Easy

Today, I miss my mom.  I’m not in the best of moods for a bunch of reasons – Rob and I had a tift yesterday during which he thought it was okay to apologize to me over email.  No, just no – that is never EVER okay to do to someone, especially someone that you actually give two craps about.  Emily was pushing every one of my buttons last night, from the moment I picked her up at school to the moment she went to bed.  My job – ugh I can’t even list all of that stuff out in any reasonable way.  And this morning, my mom.  I guess because part of our argument was about my birthday, I am now thinking about it which again – just like last year – makes me sad. Really freaking sad, again.  And I thought it would be easier; easier to think about, easier to manage, easier to go without her this year but I don’t know if that’ll be the case since I’m already crying about it and it’s only February (my birthday is at the end of April).  How the hell is this happening AGAIN?  I was a mess last year and it looks like I will be again and really – I am so tired of being a mess.

I just want to be okay again.  I don’t expect to ever be the ‘normal’ I was before her passing, I know that won’t happen.  But I just want to be okay and I’m slowly realizing that what everyone has told me really is true….you are never actually okay ever again.   You just figure out how to live with it.  But here I am, experiencing a bad dead mom day that came from out of nowhere and it sucks.  and I’m not doing such a great job of handling it.  I’m in a horrible mood (I really do feel bad for just about anyone that has to interact with me today), I’m on the verge of tears – thankfully I did not cry to entire way to daycare and work or I would look as bad as I feel, and I’m just miserable.  I miss the days of normal and okay.  I miss the days when I didn’t have someone to miss as much as I do now.  I miss not having my  mom to make fun of.  It’s true!  I do.  She didn’t take it very well and I was often threatened and occasionally hit for some of the things I said but still.  I miss calling or texting my sister after talking to my mom and saying “can you believe she actually said that” and “so I just got off the phone with the crazy old lady we call our mother”.  I miss it.  I miss all of it.

And today, I just feel alone.  Between feeling like he isn’t on my side right now because of other priorities, and missing my mom, I feel very much alone.  I know that I’m not in the ‘real world’, but in my head, it is a mighty lonely place right now.  He doesn’t really hear me right now – he doesn’t really see me, claims he didn’t know I was in a bad mood last night when I am pretty sure it was very apparent.  And, although I get it, he doesn’t understand what this is like for me or why it’s the way that it is.  He doesn’t understand because I wasn’t that close to my mom, we didn’t have the best relationship.  But it obviously doesn’t matter.  It still hurts and I still miss her more than I think I could ever really put into words.  And I don’t expect him, or anyone else, to fully understand.  But I guess that’s the catch-22 of it all.  You don’t expect someone to really fully understand it, but when they don’t, that’s what makes you feel so alone. So no matter what, the end result is still the same.