I’ve slacked off. I admit it. I will write entries for this blog at work, where I can’t access this site; I’ll send those entries to my email address so that I can post them later. Well, later has become days and days later. Which isn’t good so I am going to do my best to keep up with this a little bit better than I have been – I think it’s important for me to do it, and if there’s someone out there reading this, looking for help or inspiration or some insight into what this is like for someone you know or even just for a good laugh, well then it’s important to you too.
I will be posting some of the items that I haven’t put up yet – that’ll happen this weekend.
But for today – Sunday is my Mom’s birthday. It doesn’t feel as ominous as it did last year; last year it was her birthday and then Easter right after. Oh and the memorial service at the cemetery was the week before so really, those two weeks were just full of tears and tissues. Then, toss in my birthday about a week later and MAN was that fun. NOT. (Oh and a trip to the in-law’s too.) This year, the only thing that’s moved is Easter but things feel easier (no trip this year, either). At least so far. I’m upset that I can’t go to mass on Sunday; Rob is working and unless I want to bring my toddler to mass – which I do not – I can’t go. And I’m not willing to pay for the babysitter AGAIN so I can go out and do something to honor my dead mom. I’m just not; I’m angry that I have to go out of my way to juggle things in order to do it so I’m choosing to not even bother trying. Which might be the right approach this year. That way, I won’t dwell – yes I’ll think about her all day and I will feel badly that I can’t go to mass with my Dad and my sister but my hope is that I will be too busy chasing around my crazy kid to think about it too much; I am hoping that at least at some points it will feel like a regular Sunday and not her birthday – I don’t want to forget it, but I don’t want to feel it. I sat in that church on the anniversary of her death, waiting for them to say her name and with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat I tried to pretend that I wasn’t about to crumble into a messy heap of tears and snot; and honestly, I don’t want to do that this weekend. I miss her, and I know that this my Dad’s way of honoring her and marking her birthday, but I can’t do it and on some level I’m grateful that I have this excuse. I know that I should go out of obligation and all that jazz, but I just don’t want to cry or watch my Dad cry.
My birthday is around the corner and so far, it doesn’t feel as – ominous, for lack of a better word right now – than last year. But that might change in the next week or so. I know that, no matter what I do, my birthday will always be a little bit sad; it was a little bit sad before my Mom passed away. My cousin was buried on my birthday, my best friend died two days before my birthday and her funeral was a few days later. My birthday hasn’t been a fun occasion in a very long time. But I also recognize that there is a hole there now. My birthday was an opportunity for my Mom to remind me that I was getting older – I was getting older, she was NOT – and it was a chance for her to tell the story of how she found out she was pregnant and how my dad wasn’t at the hospital when I was born and all of those other fun stories that were an annual event. My birthday was important to her, and now, that importance is gone and it will never come back. No one can ever fill that void that is left now that I won’t get my annual call at 12:2something in the afternoon; I will always look at the clock and cry a little…or at least I’ll want to cry a little, not so sure I’ll be able to each year. It will never be the same again, and I know that one day I’ll be able to reconcile with that idea and the feelings that come along with it. And I hope that this year remains easier. I guess this is the having hope stage of grief. I will say this for sure – this does not suck as much as the previous stages, and that’s gotta count for something.
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