And now, he's gone.

He’s just gone and I can feel it now.  I’m not sure what flipped the switch but now, as I sit at my desk reading the note that I got back from the Grand Knight of the Knights chapter in Somerset, I feel it.  He’s just gone now, and things will never really ever be the same again. It feels different than when it was my Mom; I guess because with my Dad, I know he’s in a better place and I know he is happy there.  I still don’t know what my mother is doing, where she is, if she’s happy – she was never really happy so who knows if she is now.  I miss his laugh the most, I think.  He had this great laugh and a great smile, too; it was hard to see the smile sometimes though because of the bushy goatee he wore (my mother hated that thing).  There are many things that I miss about him but I think that’s the thing I miss the most.  He was a funny guy, and not everyone knew that.  A lot of people saw him as being pretty serious and all business, because in many settings that how he was.  But with us, or with his friends, he had a great sense of humor and it always caught me off-guard because he was pretty reserved overall and when he came out with something totally off the cuff it would make you laugh until you cry.  I miss that.

I know that I am not alone in my grief and my sense of loss.  My Dad was a great guy and so many people are missing him now.  But for me, it’s different. He was always there, even when my Mom wasn’t – or she was too drunk to really be ‘there’ for anyone; I have far too many memories of being a child left alone to fix dinner, getting myself ready to walk to the school bus alone, watching her stumble around unable to balance herself even when she stood still.  Growing up in the chaos that was my house, he was my only constant.  I knew when he would be there and when he wouldn’t be, and I knew what I would get when he was there. Sure, back then I didn’t get much that wasn’t grumpy but still I knew what it was and it was okay for the most part.  As he got older and life changed, he changed and he wasn’t as grumpy anymore.  And then, he was again as he got sicker and older and he was alone.  And I understand that now, too.  But he was my constant, my supporter through the good and the oh so very bad.  When my mother said I was ruining my life by getting divorced and I stopped speaking to her, he was the one that told her to mind her own business and that I needed to be happy, even if that meant I got divorced.  He offered me a ridiculous amount of money to help me buy a house before my daughter was born; that money is still sitting in a bank account.  He never reinvested it, he was holding it until we were ready and then it would be mine to use.  He was always just there, a phone call away for anything I needed.  And now, he’s not.  And that is just weird. He has always been there. My phone won’t ring anymore with him asking how I am, how’s Emily doing, asking if I’m free for lunch, asking if we’re around this weekend so he can come up to see her.  It’s gone now and all that’s left are the memories, which I cherish and always will.