For some reason, today is worse. Yesterday I felt like I was in a fog – not sure what to do with myself, on the verge of tears but also kind of numb. Today I’m sad. I’m just sad, and I think it’s because of what could have been and what was. Yesterday, I could have seen my Dad for his birthday and we could have had that lunch conversation on the phone that we had every time – he’d ask where I would want to go, I’d say I don’t know, he’d laugh…what I would GIVE to have another one of those. And even if he had still been in rehab, I would have taken part of the day off to go see him and maybe have lunch or dinner together. There’s so much I didn’t get to do. I didn’t get to say so many things and he didn’t get to do so many things. I miss him in a way that is different than how I miss my Mom; I miss my Mom for my daughter but my Dad I miss for myself. He was the one I could always go to no matter what and he would listen, he would have answers, he would call to check on me – just because he wanted to. He knew I could take care of myself, but he still wanted to do some of that, too. I had a dream this morning that was strange but I guess I know what it means to my brain….Rob and I were at a Home Depot; we were going somewhere and for some reason stopped there. I was holding things in my hands, talking to Rob and I turned around and he was gone – he just up and disappeared into the store. Well there was my Dad, on line at customer service. He was walking without a cane, with his pants hiked up and his shirt tucked in – LOL – and he looked at me and said something like “oh hi Michele” and he took something out of the hands of an employee, said “thank you” to the man and turned to go to the counter. I don’t remember anything else. But remembering his face and his smile just makes me cry, I miss his face and his smile so much.
And yesterday, I think two people asked how I was – just two. My best friend called to check on me and to tell me she prayed for my Dad that day and put him into the prayer book at church; I can always depend on her for support, prayers, laughs. My own boyfriend didn’t ask. When he came home I was emptying the dishwasher with the kitchen light off, he came sweeping in and turned on the very bright overhead light to which I said “please turn it off” and that apparently was enough to annoy him because I didn’t get a kiss hello – I suppose he was coming in to kiss me when I asked for the light to be turned off – and he barely spoke to me all night. I know that he’s under a lot of stress and pressure this week at work so it’s not like I was angry that he didn’t text me during the day to check on me; I understood that he probably didn’t even think of it. But all night, nothing. Again. He did the same when it was my Mom and I thought that after going through that he would know how I would like to be treated. Guess I have to have that conversation with him again – we’ve been through this at least three or four times in the past year.
I’m just sad today. I want to go to the cemetery and cry; I’m pretty sure his name is up by now and I just want to go and cry. Cry my eyes out until I can’t cry anymore because that’s just how I am right now and I was this way when it was just my Mom. Sometimes, I need to cry until my eyes ache and then I feel better; I don’t feel healed or like dancing in the streets, but I feel better. Instead, I’m at my desk this morning because I have things to do that, I guess in some aspect of my life are more important than taking care of my own emotional health today. I frequently put myself on the backburner which is one of the reasons why yesterday hurt so much; I do this to myself, I don’t put myself ahead of others but it would be so very nice if someone else did.
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