Lunch is Stupid

Emily’s school used to have a Grandparent’s Day lunch – my parents went in 2013, which apparently was this week since I just got a message that they’re doing it this Friday.  The school had stopped doing it for a while and although they did it last year, it was only for an hour and my Dad had dialysis so I didn’t ask him to go.  I should have because here they are, doing it again and he’s not here to do it.  He could have gone last year, I just wanted to save him the trouble and the travel time to get there and back home – it was stupid. I should have at least asked if he had wanted to go and I’m pretty sure he would have gone.

And now, I’ll have to talk with Emily aboutFriday’s lunch.  Some people will have Grandparents there, some people won’t. Some people have Grandparents that live far away like she does, some people don’t have Grandparents at all.  She has two who live far away; I know that she’ll also say “and my Grandma and Grandpa that live in the sky” which seems to have been sucked into her brain as of late as a way to understand where my parents are.  I feel horrible that he isn’t here to go and that he could have gone last year and I prevented him from going.  The picture I have next to my desk of the three of them together is from that day; my Dad is holding Emily and he is SO happy.  If I remember correctly, she wouldn’t go to my Mom lol.  My Mom was too sick at that point anyway and probably couldn’t have held her for much longer than a minute if that.  My Mom died four months after this picture was taken, almost to the day actually; not a day has gone by since then that I haven’t wished she was still here, enjoying her Granddaughter, who created so much hope and joy for her.  And for me, as well.

I know that one of my parental duties is talking to my daughter about my parents, helping her to understand why they are gone and who they were to her when they were here.  I just don’t want to do it now, as I continue to grieve and have bad days (like today).  It is so hard to explain and make it understandable to her, when I don’t always understand it myself.