My Dad

I really shouldn’t be taking time out of my day to write this – I am more swamped than I can explain and under a TON of pressure to get all of my work done as soon as possible…but I need to get this out of my brain.

My dad isn’t doing well.  He’s been having pains in his legs, so bad that it’s affecting his mobility.  I saw him yesterday and he just doesn’t look good.  My sister said that when she went to church with him on my Mom’s birthday, he had to stop walking because he couldn’t get his breath and it took a while for him to catch his breath – they were already sitting down when he finally was breathing normally. Really wish she had told me that a week ago.  But now, on top of the mobility issues and now the breathing issues, he’s having memory issues.  Yesterday at lunch, the waitress came over to take our drink order and left.  A few moments later he said “did she take our order yet”.  Our menus were still sitting on the table.  He can remember things across days or even weeks, but his short term may be affected by this circulation issue in his legs – which could also be affecting his heart. If he’s losing his breath, his heart isn’t operating as well as it should.  My sister said that she’s noticed he’s had some weird memory things happen as of late, but she didn’t think it was a big deal.  He’s not a young man but still – for it to be so sudden like this, scares the hell out of me.  He had quadruple bypass in 1999 after going into heart failure, after a heart attack.  He’s had other surgeries, other heart issues, now has a defibulator instead of the pacemaker he was given a few years ago.  He’s on dialysis because his kidneys failed after a cardiac procedure a few years ago.   But I don’t care about all of that, I care about him being okay which he certainly is not right now.

I really am trying to keep myself together but in my head, I am a total and utter mess. I am totally 100% freaking out and somehow, I have to keep it together so I can get my job done today. I don’t know how to do this. Again.  I am so scared that his days are a lot more numbered than I thought they were; after yesterday, I’m really worried.  Really really worried.

I can’t lose my Dad yet.  I know that I will eventually; the man will be 82 in July so it’s not like he’s young. But still.  I can’t do this again. Not yet.