It's Been a Day

Today is just a day.  A day that has been full of mistakes and of things forgotten.  I’ve dropped things, I’ve knocked things over, I’ve forgotten important things at home.  I am preoccupied and distracted.  There are too many things swirling in my brain to really keep anything straight.  My daughter’s safety at school – it’s a few things that are compounding and concerning me, including the child that can’t seem to stop biting others and if he bites my kid again…oh there will be war, for sure.  My father’s health and well-being – that looming surgery is making me more anxious than I care to admit.  My mom.  She’s gone and I keep remembering what it was like this time last year with the fighting, the phone calls, forcing her to go to her cardiologist, her not speaking to me.  It’s hard to push those thoughts to the side.  My job – stressful, unpredictable at this point.  Myself – I’m forgetting more and more things, there is always something that I forget every single day now and I never used to be like this.  I used to be on top of everything, knew every detail, knew where everything was, never lost a thing.  Not anymore.  And I hate it.

I hate that still, the grief isolates me or at least makes me feel isolated.  I know it’s affected my relationship with Rob; thankfully he loves me no matter what and vice versa because if this relationship hadn’t already gone through hell and back a hundred times, I don’t know if this would be a storm we could weather.  This process is hard from this side of the fence, I can only imagine how hard it is to live on the other side of this some days.  Some day’s I’m just fine but others I am quite the opposite – I have a short fuse and I have a horrible attitude – and still, it continues on.  I don’t know when this part will end – the part where I’m sad, angry, lonely, desperate for understanding why this all happened the way that it did, guilty to some extent, sad.  I hope to find the light at the tunnel soon, although I know it won’t be reached before the holidays are over; if anything, the holidays have pushed me back in the proverbial tunnel and I have a further way to go to reach the light now.  And I guess part blessing, part curse is that her passing happened right after the holidays so I don’t have long to wait to go through that emotional turmoil, either.  I get to do it all in one shot.  Lucky me.