Monty Python was right but still....

“Always look on the bright side of life” is the title and a line from one of the best Monty Python songs ever made.  And on a day like today, I think I should try to sing it on repeat all day long.  I woke up grumpy, for a number of reasons – many of which are in my head, but regardless of what they are I am grumpy and I really do need to stop.

I can’t stop thinking about the holidays and how much I wish she was here.  This morning I thought how amazing it would be if, at some point on Thanksgiving, I walked into the kitchen and saw her standing at the stove and she turned around and said “hi sweetheart” like she always did.  What I would give for that to happen just one more time.  it’s amazing how, little moments like that, mean so much when that other person is gone. I would give anything to see her in that kitchen again, even if she was cursing at me for getting in her way.  Back then, when she was “okay” and she did stuff like that, it pissed me off – although I will admit that sometimes, her frustration was pretty funny and my dad would joke about it behind her back (where she couldn’t see or hear him).  But now, it would make me smile no matter what.  I would give anything to hear her bitch about all the work she does for Thanksgiving or Christmas and how no one helps her – even though we offered every year and last year was the only time she took us up on it.  I would give anything to hear her complain about the pot that ‘danced’ on the stove when it got hot.  I would give anything to hear her voice again, to see her again.  And I don’t know how to stop thinking about it.

I know that this will get easier; next year will be easier than this year – assuming of course that I still have my dad at the holidays next year (something else I think about probably too much than I should).  But it’s hard to focus on what’s to come that’s positive because all I feel is sad when I think about her, the holidays, etc. I don’t feel hopeful; it’s hard to feel hopeful when someone has died.  What do you hope for??  Happiness for yourself seems selfish, especially in my situation given what happened to my mom.  I know that I have to be strong for my dad, at least on the outside; it’s a skill I’ve mastered at this point in my life.  I’ve done this so many times I can do it without thinking, the switch just turns on and I look like I’m handling the weight of the world without breaking a sweat.  It’s when I get in my car that I fall apart; it’s when I’m alone and can feel for myself that I lose it.