Wanting to Run

Did you ever think, just for a moment, of just getting out?  Driving away from it all, leaving all of it behind and the freedom that you would gain from walking away?  I’m sure all of us have had an opportunity at some point along the way.  I had one this weekend.  Rob and Emily were playing outside a store; he had waited on-line inside, I took her outside to play and when he came out into the cold and blustery weather he said “why don’t you get the car and when you drive around, we’ll get in”.  So I went to get the car; got in, started it up, and sat for a moment in the silence.  I was alone.  It was the first time in almost a week, and I liked it.  I thought about what it would be like to turn right instead of left.  Rob could call someone to pick them up, a cab even.  I could stop home, transfer the money from my vacation account into my checking account and drive to the airport before anyone could find me.  I could get on a plane to California, or London, and that would be it.  My life would be my own again, my decisions would be mine, I wouldn’t have to worry about this little person anymore or my dad.  I wouldn’t have to worry about losing my dad anymore because he wouldn’t exist in this new life.  See, in this new life, I would be a new person with no family and no history.  No one to care about, no one to worry about. And for a brief moment, it sounded like bliss.  But then, I thought of her little smiling face and the amazing hugs and kisses she gives me every day.  And I thought about how losing me would kill my dad.  And I thought about how hard it would be for Rob to raise her alone – if something happened to him, what would happen to her without me? 

So I turned left.  I turned left and I unlocked the doors so my family could come in.  And I was happy that they were there with me – for all the crazy yelling of my name from the backseat that seemed to not end for hours, for all of the wild thoughts in my head about my dad’s impending surgery, for all of the craziness that my significant other puts me through some times, I was happy they were there and most importantly, I was happy I was there.