19 Days

I want the holidays to be happy, especially for my daughter.  I think I’m doing a pretty good job of keeping my chin up.  Rob and I are back to a happy place again, which is very nice since things have been tense lately for a whole host of reasons – my crankiness being one of them.  I’m not obsessing over things that have happened, although it’s hard to keep those thoughts at bay.  By this time a year ago, I knew.  I knew she wouldn’t make it much longer, and I had told Rob and my friend Brian as much once I left the doctor’s office.  I knew I would have to call my sister and tell her what was going on, and that I thought I had a road ahead of me that was much different than the one that we ended up on. I remember saying that I didn’t want to do this – the phone calls to doctors, the doctor appointments, the tests, the results, the treatments, possible surgery, the hospitalizations,  I didn’t want to do it but I would do it again because it’s my mom and someone has to step up and take care of it all.  I had prepared myself to get to know new doctors, find new doctors, schedule appointments and figure out how to make it work around my schedule  Little did I know what was coming up so very quickly – 19 days later, to be exact.  Although I guess she was really gone before that; the last time I communicated with my mom was January 4^th, the second day on the respirator.  She became unresponsive after that and never woke up again.  I try to find solace in the fact that she looked at pictures of my daughter and listened to the stories of her recent shenanigans and smiled and I hope that she remembers those stories and pictures, where ever she may be.

Right now I’m occupying myself with thoughts of baking and wrapping and cooking and holiday movies.  I’m not thinking about all of the other stuff, or at least I’m doing my best not to.  It’s very hard, impossible at times, to remember those last days with her before she became unresponsive.  I wish I had known that it would go so fast, the time that we had left with her.  I would have done things differently, I would have said and done more, I would have been there more for her and for both of my parents.  But I can’t turn back time no matter how much I want to.

So today, I will do my best to be okay.  Some days, I’m lucky to reach a level of ‘okay’ and today, I’m striving for it.  I miss my mom so very much – its incredible how much I can miss someone who drove me as nuts as she did.  And I wish that she were here this holiday to enjoy it, to celebrate it, and to see the little face of her favorite person on the planet light up when she sees her first bike.  I hope that she is with us that day, somehow. I know that I most likely won’t feel her if she does show up, it hasn’t happened yet and at this point I’m not holding my breath (although some psychic guy on FB told me that I have to believe I will hear from her and not just hope or doubt it because then she won’t come through – I know my mom and if I hope for it, she will most likely do the opposite just to be stubborn and defiant).  I just hope that she’s celebrating the holidays with people she loves, where ever she is and doing whatever it is that she’s able to do now that she’s somewhere else.  I miss her, and I hope she knows that.

And today, somehow, I found Emily’s missing Curious George and blanket by the side of the road.  I have looked there who knows how many times since we lost them the night of December 4^th, and today there he was.  I remember driving past that field so slowly that night, hoping to see them and they just weren’t there – I have blamed myself for almost three weeks and have felt horrible about it, I’ve cried over it.  And I found George this morning, his red shirt caught my eye and I threw on my flashers, jumped out of the car and got him out of the field he was lying in (almost directly across the street from Emily’s school).  And I went back in the afternoon, something told me the blanket was there and it was. Neither look all that worse for wear, which tells me someone dumped them there last night in the hopes that we would find them today – or some parent would find them and bring them to school, thinking they belonged to someone there.  I don’t know what it was, but I have to wonder if this is my mom’s gift to Emily this Christmas.  Today, a year ago, we found out she had a tumor on her kidney, with ‘some spots’ on one of her lungs and 19 days later she was gone.  It’s been 19 days since George and the blanket disappeared, the irony is not lost on me.  Not at all and I have to believe it was her – finally, I hear from her and I couldn’t be happier in what she has done for my daughter.  I’d hug her if I could.