As I sit here, waiting for 2014 to end, it's hard to forget where I was last year right now. Physically I was here, in almost the same place on this couch. But in my mind I was somewhere else. I was still in my parents' house, where I had been earlier in the day, convinicing my mom to go into the hospital. We convinced her to go, after she spent I don't know how long refusing to see my sister and I and telling my father to tell us to go home. We sat at their kitchen table and told her that no, she wouldn't be on one those machines with the tube in her throat and no there would be no catheter. Little did I know that less than 24 hours - probably closer to 12 hours - after getting admitted that all of it would come true....making me feel like a liar. I still feel like one today.
I feel horrible about that day. And I don't know if I will ever feel normal about this day again. I'll always remember that conversation, her refusal to go, her reluctant agreement to going. And I will always feel badly about it. I think she knew for a lot longer than any one else did that something was wrong. I think she didn't go to the doctor, didn't tell the doctor, because she knew. She didn't want to have cancer, she didn't want to die the way her mother or grandmother did so she ignored it. Which ultimately led to her demise. I wish she was still here but the reality is that unless it had been caught almost two years ago, the outcome probably would have been the same.
I truly hope that 2015 is a much better year than 2014. It started with loss, continued with loss all year long. I am hopeful that the next year will bring happiness and a lot less tears of sadness. I need more happy in my life and I hope I can find it early in the year. I've had enough heartbreak and sadness in one year that I don't think I need more - I can use what I've got to spread through into next year.
Happy new year - May you be joyful, healthy and loved.
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