No Expectations

I don’t expect everyone to remember what day my mom passed away. She was my mom, not my boyfriend’s mom or the mom to any of my friends.  So I don’t expect it – but I would expect someone, my boyfriend in this case, to ask if it’s okay that he’s out of town around that timeframe.  He should remember that it was not long after the holidays that she passed and that it might be important for me to do something like go to the cemetery or to church with my dad. He should remember that it was in early January, January 2^nd to be exact, that she went into the hospital and it was just a week later that she died.  But he didn’t.  He booked a trip that weekend to see his kids.  Now granted, he is staying home for Christmas so that I can work both the Friday and Monday after the holiday and he’ll be home the following weekend because flights are just too expensive.  But he went and booked it, no questions asked.  In fact, he was sitting there booking it this morning when I walked up and asked what he was doing and he said booking flights, I asked for when, and that’s when he told me.

And just now, he asked if I can get the babysitter for Saturday – to which I responded I would ask her and I also  need to ask her about the 11^th. He responded only to talk about this weekend, no question as to why I needed her on the 11^th.

I don’t expect it to be an important day to him.  I don’t expect him to sit and look at the clock and feel empty inside, like I did that day when I looked at the clock when I took my seat by her side as she took her final breaths or like I did that morning when we left for the hospital, or like I did walking up to her room, or like I did when I told the nurse to order the morphine (I will never, ever forget that moment. Ever.  And I will never stop remember what it felt like to say those words, and how it feels to have been the one to say them.).  I don’t expect him to cry that day; I didn’t expect him to do anything with me that day at all.  I was going to go to the cemetery, go to the mass my dad is having said for her, and maybe do a little crying along the way. Okay definitely do some crying along the way.  But now, I’m not sure that I can do any of that.  Because it’s not important enough to him to remember it, and it’s not important enough for him to consider.  It’s important to me, which I think should make it at least important enough to ask about.  Again the grief and the mourning have made me feel alone, again someone who doesn’t understand has made me feel like this is my burden to bear.  I didn’t expect him to remember, but it sure as hell would have been nice if he had.