Denial is Pretty Awesome

It’s been a few days since I wrote anything so I figured I would take some time out to write down some stuff.

Tomorrow is my dad’s surgery.  It’s odd because I’ve been so worried about it and today, I don’t know, I’m not worried. I’m sure that will change tomorrow – I will sit here and stare at my phone, waiting to hear that he’s out and okay.  But today, I’m okay. (it could also be that I’m focusing on going to get coffee and a donut before my boss comes back to the office this afternoon but hey, whatever works!)

Thanksgiving is in two weeks.  Honestly, I’m just thinking about getting a turkey.  That’s it.  I keep reminding myself to tell my dad and my sister that we got another free turkey this year and I’ll get it, bring it to my dad’s house.  I’m not thinking about all of the other things that will go into this, I’m just focusing on the turkey.  At least that’s been my deal for the last few days and I am hoping I can keep this up for a bit longer.

So am I in denial right now?  Yeah, probably.  But I think it’s okay.  I’m better off like this.  I’m not crying, I’m not obsessing, I’m not freaking out.  I’m okay.  At least for right now I am and I’ll take it.  I’ll take it because, although it might not be ‘right’ per se, I know that I won’t be like this for very much longer.  I know that Thanksgiving will have tears; I may even cry as I pick up the turkey again this year, knowing that her approval won’t matter this year – I agonized last year, I really did, because I knew if I picked out the wrong one she would be pissed (and I didn’t really know what was “right” or “wrong” but I knew if there was anything deemed “wrong” I wouldn’t hear the end of it from her).  I know that Christmas will most likely be full of tears – as I watch my daughter open her gifts with a newfound joy that she hasn’t had before, I will miss my mom more than ever most likely.  She deserves to be here for all of this and she’s not; she deserves to sit there on the couch, as she did the past two Christmases, and watch her only grandchild – her only true joy – light up in happiness and exuberance as she opens her gifts.  We all deserve it, but we won’t get it no matter how much we want it or think we deserve it.  I’m not angry, I think I may have skipped that step, but I am sad and I am…..I don’t know how to describe it.  I feel gipped.  That feeling never goes away, neither does the guilt.  I wish that I could do something to remember or honor my mom this year, but I don’t know if I can do it this year.  There’s just too much – remembering how she was on the individual holidays, how she was in between, how she was that day in the ER and the days that followed leading up to her passing. And then the days that followed for the rest of us that were left behind.  It’s hard to think of that time now, since the anniversary of it all hitting the fan is here.  So instead of thinking of all of that, I’m just going to think about the turkey and how big it needs to be and when I need to pick it up. I will focus on the small things because the big ones, well, they’re just too big right now for my shoulders to bear.