Today I am fairly cranky. No, that’s an underestimate – I am really freaking cranky. It’s two days before Thanksgiving and honestly, I want it to go away. I don’t want to ‘celebrate’ it. I put quotes around that word because really what the hell am I celebrating? Yes, I am thankful for my family and my job and the roof I keep over our heads and I am thankful for the food and all that jazz but there is this HUGE thing that I am not thankful for. I am not thankful for the unexpected death of my mother, I am not thankful for feeling like any day now my dad my drop – which is just reinforced by him saying stuff like “I want you and your sister to know where things are just in case” and one of my recent favorites “well if I don’t clean your mother’s things out it’ll be here for you and your sister to do”. Gee, thanks Dad.
Everyone is allowed to celebrate this season, or not, however they chose. Some people enjoy a turkey with their family, some enjoy a gigantic feast of turkey and lasagna and fish and salad and fifteen other foods I can’t think of. Some enjoy a quiet night at home, watching old movies. I don’t want to do a thing. I would love to run away this holiday season. Spend Thanksgiving on an island at an all-inclusive resort, sitting by a pool being served drinks with umbrellas in the them by a very handsome man who may or may not understand English. Spend Christmas in London, I love it there and would love to see it at Christmas. But I can’t. I have obligations, I have a family that I have to be here for. But in my head, I am somewhere else and happily so.
I don’t know if a mental vacation will get me through this holiday season but something has to – other than cake and wine because I don’t want to come out the other side of this 10 pounds heavier (already gained some weight after my mom passed away by instituting the “Cookies Don’t Care” diet). All I know for sure is that I can’t run, and I can’t hide from it, and facing it head on isn’t helping either because it doesn’t stop and it doesn’t go away. The emptiness is there, always present. I know she won’t be there on Thursday, I remember how she was last year at this time and in the weeks that followed. To remember it is heart breaking because it was too late and we didn’t know it until we were smacked in the face with it and wowza did that hurt. Still does and I will forever wear the proverbial scar from it. I feel horrible that I didn’t do more and remembering what was going on a year ago right now, just brings that back up to the surface. I know I can’t change what happened, and chastising myself won’t change anything. I know that I have to let it go and forgive myself. And I’ll get there eventually, but I’m not there yet. So I’ll cook the turkey, try to make the stuffing like she would have, and I’ll eat the mashed potatoes that don’t taste or look like hers anymore and I will TRY desperately to do it with a smile because I know that’s what she would have wanted even though I am crying on the inside.
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