Stupid Holidays

I am fighting off the urge to write some sad FB post today.  Today I just want to say “Hey there FB peeps, I see that you’re all very thankful at this time of year but this year, I’m not all that thankful for much so please f off”.  I would really like to say “I’m having a hard time and all I want to do is cry and seeing how happy you all are with your families is just making it worse so please, shut the f up already”.  But I won’t.  everyone is allowed to be happy and I am trying, I really am trying to at least not be miserable.  At times, I think I do a pretty good job because I’m distracted by other things.  But then, there are other times that I just can’t keep my head above it all and I end up feeling like I’m in the proverbial fetal position. I almost wish I was – as long as I could drink wine and eat cake while in that position, which I would image would be quite difficult….

Yesterday, we went to Home Depot – not an unusual event by any means.  Who doesn’t hit the Depot every so often??  On this trip, we went to look at the Christmas “stuff” – the trees, the decorations, yada yada.  It was Rob’s idea and I thought Emily would like it so I said “yeah sure, let’s go look..what the heck”.  While meandering through the rows of trees, lights and blow-up reindeer, Rob found this carousel that went around and played Christmas music, oh and it lit up too.  Emily lit up, as well.  She laid on the floor with it and watched it with what I imagine to be the typical holiday awe that finds its way to the face of every toddler right about now.  There were houses, too, and little villages that you could buy and set up at home. My mom loved that stuff.  LOVED it.  And I imagined telling my mom about our outing, and my mom making my Dad go out to buy that carousel so they could have it at their house for Emily on Christmas – that thing was 80 bucks but she wouldn’t cared, my Mom would have said it’s for my baby and I don’t care how much it costs.  I know she would have been over the moon to know that Emily loved this stuff just as much as she did.  She would have taken the time on Christmas to show her every house, every button on every house, and she would have gone through them over and over with Emily that day. They will sit in their boxes this year, which I think they probably did last year too because she was too tired to set them up.  So in Home Depot, when Emily asked me to lay on the floor next to her and watch the carousel, I did.  And I did it while trying to hide the tears in my eyes because all of these thoughts ran through my head as I stood and watched my daughter delight in the lights and the sounds that were coming off of that carousel.

And today, I’m still struggling, still fighting it off.  I went to bed with some Christmas song in my head – thank God I can’t remember which one or it would probably continue playing.  This morning I thought about last year and how hard I prayed and hoped that I was wrong, that it wasn’t our last Christmas together.  But no amount of prayer or hope could have changed the outcome of what was playing out this time last year.  I think she knew.  I think she knew and that’s why she didn’t go to the doctor.  She didn’t want to a doctor to tell her she had cancer and that she wasn’t going to live to see her granddaughter grow up, she didn’t want to put my father through hearing it, knowing it.  And I don’t know whether or not that was the right thing to do – on one hand, it would have given us a chance to process it and to possibly delay it.  But to what gain?  The medications may have prolonged her life, but not in a good way – she wouldn’t have been up and around, chasing around my daughter.  I guess I just wish I had had a chance to tell her – really tell her, not tell her body which I don’t think she was in anymore – that I loved her, regardless of how she treated me or how badly we got on, and that I would miss her and that I would make sure Emily knew who she was and how much she loved her.  I didn’t get that chance and I really wish I had.