Alone in the Dark

Today, I am in London on vacation all by myself. It's an odd feeling. I'm alone for the first time in two years. There are moments, like when I saw the family with the little girl at Hampton Court, when I just miss the hell out of my family so much that it brings me to tears. And there are also moments, like when I was able to sleep until almost 9am, when I have been grateful for the solitude.

I spent a lot of time walking the grounds at Hampton Court today. It truly is one of the most beautiful and serene places I have ever been to. In one of the gardens, not the formal ones, there were a number of magnolia trees. We had one in our yard when I was growing up; as far as I know it's still there. My mother loved that tree & wanted to take it with her when they moved. I took a number of pictures today of those trees, just for her. I know she would have enjoyed the pictures of the gardens and of the palace.  As much as she hated the English - she was very Irish - she loved their history. She would have loved this trip. She wouldn't have been able to come, her legs weren't in the best shape even before the cancer, but she would have enjoyed my stories. It sucks that I have to tell them to a ghost now.

Tonight I saw Wicked, which was brilliant. I've always wanted to see it and seeing it here in the West End was actually cheaper than Broadway. I had forgotten about this song, a song that is sung between the two main characters - the good and bad witches - and it's about being a better person having known one another. At first, I thought of my best friend from college. She died almost five years ago in a car accident. I am a better person because of her. I don't know if I had ever laughed that hard before I knew her, or if I had truly trusted and leaned on anyone before her. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her and wish I could see her one more time. She was funny, a brilliant singer - although flat a lot (unlike her chest...those were big boobs), she was kind and thoughtful and the day she died I found out what it felt like to loose a sister. That song also made me think of my mom. I am a better person because I knew her, as well. I wouldn't be this person good or bad, if it hadn't been for her - good or bad. I wouldn't have this grey streak in my hair and I wouldn't be as independent and strong if it wasn't for her. Not a day has gone by that I haven't missed her and wished for just one more day, one more phone call, just one more chance so I could tell her I love her.

As they sang that song, I sat there and cried in the dark. I cried because I miss them both so very much. I know that no amount of tears will bring either of them back. But for tonight, and for that song, it brought me some comfort to let the sadness out. All alone, in a darkened theater, where no one knew me or the reason for my tears. Sometimes, comfort isn't found with those you know. Sometimes, you need to sit with strangers so you can comfort yourself.