This Morning's Installment

 I am waiting for my friends to arrive. We'll head off to the wedding in the country tomorrow but today is our day of fun in the city. I can't wait to see them and enjoy the day filled of tourist attractions, shopping, afternoon tea and whatever else we happen to stumble upon. Not to mention the brownies I bought last night for them as a Welcome to London gift. :)

I've spent some time in my room, watching Netflix and also looking at pictures and just thinking through things. I have to be okay with the fact that no one else will understand fully what I go through every day. Even if they've gone through it, it's different for everyone. I am lucky enough to have women in my life that understand as best they can; they are not lucky for having gone through this themselves. I am so supremely grateful for them. But still, everyone's experience and perspective is different. I have to go along this road fairly solo, although there will be stops along the way with friends and family. I'll appreciate, as best I can, what they share with me and the advice they give.

Rob doesn't seem to understand why my birthday is a big deal to me this year; why that entire time period is a big deal to me this year. There's a part of me that doesn't want to spend my birthday with my family. I don't want to sit around yet another table, the third in a week, that reminds me that there's an empty seat that should be occupied by my mom. That isn't what I want. I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want that. But I know that's what they'll want.  At Christmas I told my mom that she could make lasagna for my birthday, since she couldn't make it for Christmas as she did every year. I hate that I said it because I knew she wouldn't be here. I guess I was being optimistic for everyone, including myself. There'll be no lasagna, probably not a lot of happiness this year; I suppose I'm not the first woman turning 40 to be unhappy on her birthday.  It's hard to be happy when you look around and see she's gone and there will be no birthday call, no birthday dinner, and definitely no lasagna.