Doesn't Matter What Kind of Mom She Was

Today is a sad day.  It could be because my mom’s sweatshirts are sitting next to my bed, and I saw them as I grabbed the blanket to toss on the bed for the cat this morning.  It could be that, as I was doing my hair and I was hanging my head upside down, I was remembering what those days in the hospital were like.  It could be that yesterday was a sad day and it’s just continued on into today.  It could be that it’s Monday and it’s snowing.  Who knows.

 

But I’m trying to not be sad today, and I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not but I’m trying.  There’s this whole thing about  not suppressing your grief and emotions but, the fact of the matter is that I can’t sit at my desk and cry all day. That’s just not an option.  And I can’t not be at work today –although it did snow, there’s not enough snow out there to warrant not being here.  I think being here is better than not.  At least that’s my thought at 10:06am.

 

God I miss her.  I really just miss her.  And we didn’t have the best relationship on the planet, but I have learned that it doesn’t matter.  She was still my  mom.  For all of her flaws and craziness (which there was a fair amount of) she was still my mom. She was still the woman that bitched and moaned about EVERYTHING (if I heard her complain one more time about her electric stove I think I would have screamed…yeah, I said that after every major holiday), she was still the first grandparent to hold my daughter, she was still the one that helped me zip up my wedding gown, she was still the one that bought my silence as a child by getting me Carvel sundaes when she went to buy her weekly bottle of scotch, she was still the one that walked me to band practice and back once a week when I was in 4^th grade, she was still my mom.  And I miss her.  I’ll always miss how she called me “Sweetheart” and I’ll never forget the sound of her voice on the phone the day after my car accident, when my dad put the phone down and said “Michele’s on the phone, she got into an accident and her car got totaled last night”.  She may not have been the best, but she was my mom and I will always miss her.  I just hope that one day, it doesn’t hurt as much and it doesn’t make me feel as empty as I feel at this very moment.  It’s amazing how losing your mom, even one that was like her, makes you suddenly feel all alone in the world – especially when it’s a sad day.