Waiting to Hear

For some reason, I decided to listen to a YouTube video by James Van Praag; he’s a fairly famous psychic.  I don’t necessarily believe in the whole spirit communication/after-life communication stuff that he and other psychics like John what’s-his-name from NY practice.  I don’t know if there is something after this.  But I will say that there’s been some odd stuff that has happened to me over the past almost five years since my best friend died.  Songs come on the radio when I need them to – when I need to feel like she’s still with me, she’s still supporting me and she knows that I need her or that I’m missing her more than usual…they just come out of nowhere. And it’s not just random radio stuff, it happens on my iPod all the time.  Just this morning, I was thinking about my mom and wondering if her and Donna had met up and I turned on my music to find THE song from college that always makes me think of her.  It’s the first one that came up; another one came up right after that.  I can’ chalk that up to coincidence.  A few years ago, I was driving my dad to see the heart surgeon, thinking that we would get horrible news, I thought to myself “I don’t want to do this” and that song from college came on the radio.  It’s from the 90s, it’s not a popular song; I chalk that up to her being there when I needed her most.

There was one time that I think I actually heard her voice, which was the strangest thing in the world but also most amazing thing.  I was in the car, on my way to physical therapy and I said something to her out loud – what it was, I don’t remember – but through the speakers in my car I heard a woman’s voice say “yea”.  I know it was her.  Who else could it have been in the middle of song??  It wasn’t my phone, I didn’t have my Bluetooth on, it was her.  I have no other explanation for it.  Some of you may be reading this and thinking “okay, this chick is nuts” and maybe I am, but I find a lot of comfort in feeling that she’s still here and she knows how much she’s missed and loved.  Losing her was like losing a sister; it was the most traumatic loss I had experienced until my mom.  So those little things that might sound crazy, but they help me to cling onto hope and sanity.

So during this YouTube video interview thing, the psychic says that in his experience, when a death is difficult – the person has struggled with an illness for a long time, dementia/cancer, it takes them longer to reach out to their loved ones here than if someone passed quickly with no energy diminishing illness prior to their passing; the sicker they were, the longer it takes for them to recharge after they pass.  My mom was sick for a very long time, we just didn’t know it.  She probably had that tumor on her kidney for at least a year, possibly more.  I hope that this is why I don’t feel like she’s here at all; I felt like she left her body before she died and I don’t feel her here now.  But hopefully I will soon.  This Saturday it will be 8 weeks; two months on the 11^th.  I wait and hope and pray every day for that moment when I know that she’s here and that she’s okay.  Even as I write those words, my eyes fill up with tears.  I hate feeling like she’s just gone; I have a hard time remembering her face because to me, in my head and in my heart, she’s just gone. I can’t explain what it feels like to one day know that she’s there, and the next to just not feel her anymore.  I found a picture on my phone last night of her with my daughter and it made me so sad because I couldn’t remember what she looked like in my mind.  I don’t want to forget my mom, especially not so quickly.  When/if she does come around, I just want to know that she’s okay and she’s happy and she can see us. I want her to know that we’re okay, my dad is okay, and that my daughter is amazing and wonderful and growing every day and can say more words now than at Christmas when she saw her last.  I just want to know that she’s here because right now, I feel such a void….it sucks.  More than I could ever put into words.  There’s no way to describe this feeling.  It’s a vacant feeling when I think of her – I can’t remember her face exactly, I don’t feel her, it feels like she’s been gone for so long and it’s only been 8 weeks.  I hope to hear her soon.