Today, for some reason, I’m crying. I started this morning in the car on the way to school. A Jason Mraz song was on, not sure what it was called but it was a sweet romantic type song. And then one of my favs – Life is Better With You by Michael Franti came on and as soon as it started, the tears came. I don’t know why they did, but they did and they didn’t stop. I don’t know if I was having a “I am so lucky” moment or if I’m just an emotional mess right now so anything even remotely emotional makes me weep openly (very possible). Between my sister’s birthday tomorrow, the impending ending of my cat on Saturday, having to prep my 2 year old for the loss of the cat – who she went to find last night to show him her flashlight (I can’t explain how much it broke my heart to have her look at me and go “kitty!” and run out of the room to go find him, knowing that in a few days he will most likely be gone), I just have too many emotions to deal with right now and no way to really deal with all of it. How do I handle feeling horrible for my sister, feeling my own grief for her over the loss of our mom that she will feel tomorrow, the anxiety I feel over possibly putting my cat the sleep and the associated grief and pain with that, the anxiety I feel over dealing with my daughter and her first real loss (she really didn’t understand my mom’s passing, although I try to remind her of my mom and explain to her why she’s no longer here). I have no idea what the f I’m doing right now, which is frightening in and of itself. The only stable situation I have right now is my job, and my relationship which is affected by all of my stuff so I don’t know if “stable” is a good word to describe any relationship I’m involved in at the moment.
I’ve felt overwhelmed quite a bit these last 5+ months, which I suppose is natural but still, it sucks. No one likes being overwhelmed; this control freak hates it more than I can put into words. I hate that I can’t help my sister get through this weekend without pain. I hate that I won’t be able to help my daughter make sense of losing the kitty that she loves and will miss every day for who knows how long. I hate that I can’t stop crying. I hate that I already feel this higher level of grief, knowing that the six month anniversary of her passing is next week. I don’t know why I feel “more” knowing that it’s been six months; it shouldn’t matter how long it’s been, but for some reason it does. I guess there’s this part of me that just doesn’t want time to move on because the further away we are from that date, the longer she’s been gone, the fuzzier the memories will become. I already can’t remember things about her, I don’t want to lose more as time goes on. Today, if I’m afraid of anything, it’s losing my mom more and more as time goes on. Each time I have difficulty remember something about her, it’s as if I’ve lost her all over again. I don’t know if this emotional cycle will ever end, but if it does, I will welcome that ending with open arms.
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