Today, I'm trying not to think about it. Today, I want to go about go about my business like it's any Friday that I'm working and taking care of my kid. I don't want to listen to the voice in my head that's reminded me a few times already what day it is. It was 6 months ago - January 11th - that we turned off the machines and I sat with my mom as she passed away. I try not to think about that day often; now, it seems like it went in the blink of and eye but at the time, it felt like a very long and dramatic movie. Or at least a Lifetime special presentation. It's a day and a time that will always be with me, and I know the pain of that day will fade with time. But today, it hurts to the point that I feel numb. I can't really feel anything right now.
I will sit here this morning, at 7am, and I will watch the birds eating on my porch, and I'll wait for the ducks to come around. I'll get the toddler up and start the day. And I will think to myself, as I already have a few times, how much I miss my mom and how much I wish she was here for things like the silly stuff that my daughter does and days, to tell me how to cook the beets we got from the farm, and to celebrate my sister's birthday this weekend with the rest of us. Today, I'll miss her a little more than usual and I will do my best to think of how she was before that day in the hospital and before she was really sick. I'll try to focus on the times we had, good and bad, and not just the times that I had with her sleeping body in a cold, sterile hospital room. I'll try to remember her smile, as long as it doesn't make me cry, and her laugh and the really good food she used to cook. What I would give to have her back so she could make some eggplant parmesan! I miss her, and I hope I can do her memory justice today and every day.
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