Hesitation

Today, I hesitate to pick up the phone and make a call that I don’t want to make.   To some extent, I feel like it’s January all over again and I’m the one saying “we’re keeping her alive for ourselves, not for her, and that’s not fair”.  I am currently faced with the decision to put my cat to sleep, and it’s one that I don’t want to make.  I know that some of you may be looking at this thinking “you have GOT to be kidding me, did she compare her mother’s death to her cat???”.  Yeah, I kind of did.  I was the one that kept saying she wasn’t going to get any better, I was the one that ordered the morphine.  Now, I have to keep reminding myself that he isn’t going to get any better – he went completely blind about a week and a half ago and is now peeing and pooping all over my bedroom, and he’s only eating some days (probably the days he can find his food).  But I’ve had him for 14 years; I got him when I was still married.  He was my first baby.  He used to greet me at the door, sleep next to me, cuddle with me on the couch when there was no one else to cuddle with.  Even after I had the baby, I would bring her into the house in her car seat, set her on the floor in the kitchen and he would come in and sniff her and check her out while I was feeding him.  Those days are gone now, though.  He stays in bed except to eat and poop/pee.  He doesn’t play anymore, he purrs when I pet him which is a good sign but he was always a happy and friendly cat so that doesn’t surprise me much. He’s lost so much weight that he’s skeletal at this point, I think.  And it kills me to know how hurt and sad my daughter will be when he’s gone; she sings this song about who will be home when we get home from school and he is in it every time. There are nights that the first word out of her mouth as we walk in the door is “KITTY”.  Sometimes she’s afraid of him, but I think that’s just a fear of the unknown – she doesn’t really get what he is.  I know she’ll still look for him and not fully understand why he isn’t there anymore.  I have to figure out how to explain it to her both before and after, so it’s not so confusing that her confusion makes the sadness worse. 

I feel bad for him, and although I know that this is most likely the right decision, I can’t bring myself to do it.  I hate the idea that, yet again, I will be the one to look at a medical professional and give the okay to administer the drugs that will ultimately kill someone that I love.  And yet again, this is another individual – for lack of a better word –  that I have to sit next to watch pass away.  Well, technically no one says I have to but he deserves it, no one and no animal should die alone if they were important to someone. I’m sure that it will be a faster process than with my mom, but still.   I hate that I have to  be the one to do it, but again, there is no one else to do it.  No one else was strong enough to do it with my mom, and there really is no one this time because he’s my cat – I had him before my boyfriend was in the picture.  So it has to be me.  And making this call is the first step.  I have to take him in to be seen by the doctor, who will do some blood tests and I’ll know in a few minutes if there’s anything big medically that’s causing the problems.  In my head, I know that whatever it is cannot be fixed, but in my heart I am praying it can be because I just don’t want my cat to be dead and I don’t want to be the one to do it.  There have been times that he’s gotten me SO mad; he’s stood outside my daughter’s door at 6am on a Saturday crying so I would get out of bed and feed him.  At those times, I’ve thought to myself ‘GOD sometimes I wish he would just die in his sleep”.  Yeah, I have thought that type of thing when I was at my worst; I’m not proud of it at all.  But no matter how mad I’ve been, I still don’t really want him to die. He’s been a good companion, and he tolerates my daughter better than I ever thought he would.  I wish that I could do more for him at this point than this, but I don’t think I can. There comes a point when there’s just nothing else that can be done but to let them go and be at peace.  It’s the right thing for him, no matter how much it sucks for me.

I will pick up the phone and dial the number, make the appointment, but I might need to eat a cookie or two before I can bring myself to do it.