Just shoot me. Really, put me out of my misery and shoot me. Someone. (okay I’m not really serious but on a serious note, I’m really freaking tired and I hate hearing my dad being upset and saying the things that I just heard so I would – in the least – appreciate it if someone would slam my head in a door to distract me from the stuff that IS my life right now.)
I’m exhausted. And I have too much on my mind to do my job today, but guess what? I have to. I have to be here, I have to train a bs class that I HATE training, I have to try to focus on this when all I want to do is sleep and try to figure out my life. My dad said to me this morning, in reference to possibly replacing his pacemaker with a more powerful defibulator, “if I was younger I worry about it but I’m 81 today, I don’t know if I care or if I want to go through it”. As if I need more stuff to add to my already rather large pile of anxiety over potentially losing both of my parents within a year of each other and/or before my daughter can develop memories with them that she will always have. Today, I just want and need to cry. I need to be alone so I can cry my eyes out until I can’t cry anymore. I need to go to the cemetery and cry. But I can’t. I need to be here, doing a job that is far from satisfying these days, supporting my family and facing the possibility of becoming the sole supporter of both my family and myself because my boyfriend has plans of quitting his job and opening a business. When do I get to feel like I’m being supported? WHERE is my support??? Do I have to scream from the rooftops I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I don’t want to do this job anymore, I don’t want to be a single parent, I don’t want to put my life on hold so he can move forward with his, I don’t want to sit by and watch my other parent die just as I did the last one. But I feel like my entire life – every single little piece – is out of my control right now and, as a huge control freak, I’m having a serious problem with it all.
And if I did happen to come across a roof top where I could gain access, stand up and scream – what would I actually scream, what help do I need? I have no idea how anyone can help. I have to have a job, this job for the time being. I have to care for my toddler and, unfortunately, it’s predominately on my own in the next few weeks and possibly for a very long time in the future (the one and only reason I am supporting this whole idea is her; if I didn’t think this could be successful and make us a whole lot of money that would allow us to send her to private school, I would have put my foot down). I can’t take off from work for an entire day just for shites and giggles; I don’t have many days left this year so I need to hold onto them in case I need them for real emergencies. Although, wait. Why isn’t my personal well-being an emergency? Why is it that everyone else’s stuff is more important than my need to be alone and vent my insane frustrations, anger, anxiety? When did I stop being important to the most important person in my life – me?
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