A vacation from myself with some queens

Last night, I took a vacation from my brain.  Rob and Emily were in FL and I was alone in the house with the remote and the tv and some Ben & Jerry’s.  I watched RuPaul and it was fabulous.  That Queen is amazing; beauty, talent, humor, all wrapped up in a package (pardon the pun) that is actually a man underneath it all. She is prettier than me and that’s okay!  She is gorgeous inside and out; such a positive role-model for anyone, really.  I don’t think you have to be gay or a drag queen to take what she says to heart – if you can’t love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else??

Sitting there, with my ice cream and newly manicured nails (another indulgence I took part in last night), watching those queens dress up straight men as brides to be on my tv allowed me to relax for the first time in days, weeks maybe and it was awesome.  There’s really no better word to use than that.  I turned off my brain and focused on the drama, the make-up, the glitter and the lip synching and it was a beautiful thing.  To just sit, alone, in a quiet house without being disturbed by screams of “MOM” or requests to change the channel because I’m the only one that wants to watch this show, was exactly what I needed after my weekend of sorrow and game-facing it for everyone.  I’ve been told at least a handful of times that you have to take care of yourself in times like these; not easy to do when you have a family to take care of and a job to do.  But last night I did, and I am thankful for it today. 

I haven’t recovered from the weekend; last night was helpful but it wasn’t magical.  There was no fairy waving a wand around, making everything happy and jolly again.  I wish that fairy had come to visit (although she would have been SOL in the ice cream department).  When I think about Sunday, or my impending milestone birthday, it makes me sad.  Very sad.  Staring at her empty chair on Sunday, trying to process the fact that she wasn’t going to sit there, was hard.  Harder than I can really put into words.  As reality hits me that she’s gone, I get back on the rollercoaster of emotions again.  It feels like it was yesterday that I stood in their bedroom, picking out her jewelry for her to wear in the casket and knowing that she had to wear the locket that I gave her for a picture of Emily – then having to pick out that picture and put it in there, knowing I would see it around her neck as she lay in that casket; it feels like I was just sitting by her bedside saying goodbye.  It doesn’t feel real every day and I almost wish that it did because maybe it would be easier to deal with if it was in front of me every day.  I think I’d be much farther along if my brain would just let me deal with it head-on instead of this pussyfooting around bs.