Freakin' Tired!

UGH I am tired today.  it’s a combo – not a happy meal, a cheap-ass combo that you really don’t want but it’s the only available option that you can afford – of things.  I think I overdid it yesterday with the caffeine and sugar, in an attempt to stay awake after not sleeping the night before I screwed myself into a rebound/detox situation today from all of that stuff.  Lovely.  And that is something no one tells you – grief and the act of grieving is freaking EXHAUSTING.  No one tells you that. No Social Worker at a hospital warns you – or at least she didn’t warn me when I told her there was no “discharge plan” for my mom, no person that asks how you are gives you the heads up, no one.  I am beat and I am here to tell you that you will be exhausted from it and the things you do to try and survive it or make it better – eating a whole pint (or quart – whatever works, no judgment here) of ice cream before bed, eating chocolate all day, sucking down a bottle of wine with dinner, blah blah blah will all exhaust you, too.  It sucks the life right out of you and it’s your job on this journey to find your strength, find your energy, find the will and ability to get out of bed in the morning without killing yourself in the process. You didn’t interview for the job and if given the choice, I would bet dollars to donuts that no one would accept this job or this trip, for that matter (even if I won this through Ed McMahon and Publisher’s Clearinghouse, I would toss it right back at Ed, pop his balloons and close my door).  This morning, I said at least once “but I don’t WANNA get up” just like a little kid does when woken up for school.  I was so freaking tired this morning, but I had to get up.  I have to get up every day and take care of my daughter, get her ready for school, get myself ready for work and get us both to our destinations safely. That’s my job.  And that’s one that I can’t quit or, sometimes unfortunately, get fired from.

There are days when I have to peel myself out of bed, almost literally.  Those are the days that I want to spend under the covers, alone, away from the world.  Those are tough days, to say the least.  But no matter how hard it is, I do get out of bed and I get on with my day because I know that I have to.  I know that if I let the grief control me THAT much, I will lose.  I will lose myself, I will lose the battle that I fight every day to stay civil and sane and ‘normal’ – whatever that is.  I don’t know if people still look at me like “oh, poor thing, her mom died” or if they look at me and think  “God, she’s still upset?? Get over it already.”. I don’t know and I don’t care; if I’m having a bad day because my mom is dead, they will have to deal with it and I have come very close to telling people why I’m in such a crappy mood on those days – people around me should consider themselves lucky that I can and have bit my tongue on a number of occasions.  But it’s under my control as to how I deal with the bad day.  I do my best to be ‘normal’, although I do fail miserably at it sometimes, and I try to acknowledge those bad days and I sequester myself as much as I can so I don’t get myself into any trouble.  No one tells you that you have to put yourself into a proverbial cave in order to get through some days without landing yourself in the pokey or in your bosses office, whichever one would be worse depending upon your situation.