Yesterday did not suck!

Yesterday, although it started before the sun was even contemplating coming up, was not too bad.  I don’t know how I remained conscious and that state seemed in flux all day long – whenever the caffeine wore off things got hazy and my desk suddenly became an inviting place to lay my head– but as of right now, I’m feeling not too shabby about yesterday as a whole. 

I think Monday was my first opportunity to really think about and process the memorial on Saturday and what it meant to me.  It brought me back to when my mom died and that hurt. That hurt a lot and I didn’t expect to feel the way that I did; I need to talk to my sister because she hasn’t been to the cemetery since the funeral and we’re supposed to go this Saturday for her birthday.  My sister needs to go before then so she, too, can process what it feels like to see it so finalized up on the wall.   I was alone in my office yesterday, thankfully I have a door that closes for those times that I need to cry a little bit, and I was able to deal with the feelings that hit me like  a ton of bricks.  I wasn’t prepared to feel the way that I did; I don’t think I’m any better prepared today.  But I’ve discovered, on this journey, that I need days like that where I just cry.  I am sad, sad through and through, and I can’t hide it.  I have to cry in order to get through it and to get past it as well as I can.  I hate it; days like that suck the energy out of me and when I am with other people, I am horrible to deal with.  I try to not speak harshly but it is hard some days, it really is.  Challenges are one thing, but this whole experience….I don’t know.  I’ve always heard that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle; most days, I believe that there is a God or something like the idea of God that I was taught in my 12 years of Catholic school.  If that’s the case, God must think I am herculean because there is no way a regular human being can go through what I’ve been through in the past three or four months and come out unscathed.

Grief changes who you are, there’s no doubt about that.  When my friend from college died, it caused all of us to get closer and to hold onto each other a little tighter; a hold that really hasn’t loosen much in close to five years.  Grief reminds you of how precious life is; in my case, I lost both Donna and my mom with little to no warning. Donna died in an accident so there was no warning there, just the phone call.  My mom, I knew she didn’t have much time but I didn’t think it would be so short.  Grief has made me look at my own life and how fragile it is, the life of my dad, the life of everyone around me that I love, and I hold on just a little bit tighter to each of them so that they know how important they are to me and that I would be devastated if I lost them, too.  I hug my daughter constantly and I am always telling her I love her; she’s too little to remember it years from now, should something happen to me, but I want to instill it in her now so that when she’s older and able to retain the memories of us hugging and cuddling, she’ll have it to look back on when I’m gone and she’ll know I loved her and appreciated her for all that she is.