No idea why but I just thought of my mom’s voice saying “hello, sweetheart” and I started crying. GOD what I would do to actually hear her voice again, with that Brooklyn accent that sounded like she moved out of the city 4 months ago and not almost 40 years ago, although I guess I should stop that counter now that she is no longer here. I wasn’t even thinking of her and suddenly I just thought of her walking through my office door, saying that. What I would give for her to do that right now. (and of course I’ve run out of tissues…damned allergies)
This is the stuff that really sucks – the sudden pop-ups of memories, thoughts, ideas, things that make me remember that I will never hear her again or see her again. It can happen at any time (I was just reading a business requirements document), at any place and it can be of anything. What in the hell made me think of that?? I have no idea but I did and now, I have to work on not crying and not looking like I’ve been crying for the meeting I have in half an hour with my department and my boss. GREAT.
I know I could, technically, hear her voice if I wanted to. I have that voicemail saved from my birthday last year and I could listen to it if I really wanted to. But I can’t. not at work at least. I did once, or at least I started to but had to stop after the first few words. I can still hear some of it in my head and it just brings back the tears and the lump in my throat that has become way too familiar.
I was so happy that I hadn’t really cried today, at least not very much. One brief moment, one tiny memory changes that in an instant and I am now battling myself to stop thinking about it, to stop hearing her voice in my head so I can stop crying. Brain-1, Me-0.
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