Letters to the sky

I’ve heard that, if you write a letter and burn it, it’ll get to where ever its supposed to go – the universe, heaven, whatever.  I’m willing to give it a try if it helps to make me feel just a tiny bit better. These days are hard, harder than I think I anticipated.  I didn’t think that it would start weeks before her birthday; I guess seeing the date on the calendar get closer was enough to start it off.  I thought the week of, or the week before would suck royally but it’s been the whole month, really.  Oh well, I guess I can mark April off as “Month of Much Suckage”.

I started writing the letter to my mom yesterday – I think mostly out of frustration and sadness, but partially for selfish reasons.  I just need to clear my head of all the things I wish I could say to her but can’t.  it’s so hard to suddenly not have her here.  Imagine that, someone you love is taken off to a far-away country that you have have never seen, can’t find on a map and there are no pictures of so you can’t imagine what it’s like for them there.  You don’t really get to say good-bye, either; they’re just taken from you. You can’t call, you can’t email or text and you can’t send a letter to an actual address because you don’t know where they are exactly.  There is  no way to communicate with them, you just have to somehow trust that they are okay and safe and happy and they are with other people that they know and care about who have also been taken there.  Sounds like a movie.  But it’s not, it’s reality.  I want to tell her to not be mad at me because I did what I did out of concern for her; but I know she didn’t see it that way.  I want to tell her that she’s missed and I wish more than anything to know that she’s okay and that she can see us – some sort of signal or sign to say that to me would help me more than I think I can accurately express. I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I get something from her on my birthday.  It’ll be a hard enough day to go through without the annual call from her; if I don’t hear from her on that day, I don’t think I ever will.

Today is just a sad day and in 9 days I’ll celebrate what would have been her 80^thbirthday, and I’m just  not ready to do it yet.