My Brain is a Defiant Child

My mom’s death has impacted all of us, each in its different way.  My sister and I  think that the impact on my dad is pretty deep; it appears that he’s now more aware of his own mortality and, I think, he feels like his days are numbered.  He says things now like “if anything should happen” a lot; my sister said that anytime he brings up meeting with the bank or his financial advisor he says it.  I think it stems from two things – he thought he was going to go first, and he didn’t so now he’s thinking “any day now”; I also think that there might be a part of him that hopes he’s next sooner than later.  And that part sucks mostly because I don’t know how I could take it if my dad died within months of my mom – I think my sanity would be compromised for sure.  He doesn’t want to be alone.  He’s been with my mom since he was 16; they lived across the street from each other until they were married and they remained married for just shy of 59 years.  He’s sick, he’s constantly at doctor appointments and every few months he goes into the hospital to have the artery in his arm opened up for his dialysis treatment.  He’s on who knows how many medications, he has a pacemaker, walks with a cane and he’s going to be 81 in a few weeks.  And his wife died.  And so did his son.  It’s a lot for someone to take and maybe, somewhere deep in his mind is the thought that he’s okay if he goes next and if he goes soon.  He sits in the house every night, alone.  I can’t think that he enjoys that silence, due to how it came about. 

I saw him today; I’m lucky enough to work close by so we can have lunch from time to time.  He said that, at some point, my sister and I need to go through my mom’s things – specifically her jewelry.  My mom was a bit of a jewelry whore, she really was and I don’t think she would deny it.  She loved diamonds – LOVED them.  When my sister got engaged (both times) she commented on  how small the diamond was and she really wasn’t happy that my sister accepted the rings – I believe she called the first one a “diamond chip”; she was pleased with the size of mine at just about a carat.  Anything under a carat wasn’t worth it as far as she was concerned. She had a lot of jewelry;  there was a time when she was a frequent Home Shopping Network fanatic and ordered from there at least once every week or so.  Some of her stuff isn’t worth anything monetarily but all of it has some type of value. Whether it’s the ring she waited months to come back into rotation on HSN, or the ring she got on her 16^th birthday from either her mother or her grandmother, it all has value.  There are things that I gave her, or that my sister gave her, that we’ll probably just divvy up according to the purchaser.  Other stuff, I guess we’ll see.  I am reluctant to do it.  Very reluctant.  There is still a part of my brain that thinks she’s still alive.  And it’s easy to do since I never talked to her on the phone; well, never is a strong word.  It was rare that I talked to her on the phone.  And since I hardly ever go to the house these days, it’s easy to pretend that she’s just not around or that she’s reluctant to get in the car or on the phone.  That part of my brain is like a defiant 2 year old who won’t put down the iPad to go to bed (sorry, recent experience with that); it yells NO and thrashes about when told it can’t have what it wants.  I know how to handle a 2 year old in that mode, but my brain, I’m not so sure.