I’ve been holding in the need to cry for days now. There just isn’t a “good” time to let it out. On the way to daycare in the morning? I’ve silently cried on that 15 minute drive and it doesn’t help, as there are constant decries of “MOMMA” from the back-seat. On the way to work from daycare? The three minutes isn’t enough time and arriving at work with tears still in my eyes is never a good look. Behind closed doors at work? Ummm…..no. I’m at work and I will only do that if I can’t stop myself. On the way home? Again, silent crying as my child yells my name from the back seat just doesn’t help and actually makes it worse. At home? I have no time to myself to just sit in a room, alone, and cry. Cry as loud and as hard as I want and need to. I just need to cry. I guess this week has taken more of a toll on me than I thought and now, all I want to do is stand in front of her grave and cry and ask why, and tell her that I hope she doesn’t hate me – some days it feels like she does – and tell her how sorry I am that I didn’t do more and tell her how much I miss her and pray, as I do most days, that she can see my daughter and that she is with her in some way. Some days, I just can’t take the grief; it truly is overwhelming and takes over everything. It’s like a big black hole that just sucks up everything that’s even remotely good or happy and it’s gone – poof. All that’s left is this black empty sad feeling and I just need to get rid of it; the only way to do it is to cry my eyes out until they hurt. It sucks, but it works and it seems like it comes around every couple of weeks now. I guess that’s better than daily.
How do you do it? How do you manage a life – a job, a child, a relationship, a family, dinners and lunches and breakfasts, chores like laundry and the cat litter box, and dropping off and picking up of a toddler at school, an ailing cat who is obviously on his way out after being in my life for 15 years – and grieve for a mother that, on some level, was resentful towards you right before she passed away suddenly (even though you were just trying to do the right thing)? Sometimes I think I juggle it all fairly well, and there are other times that I think I have dropped every ball that I have in my hands and I all I want to do is sit on the floor and watch them all roll away into the dark corners of the room as I sob uncontrollably.
Feeling like I can’t take the time out of my life to care for myself, sucks. All I want to do today is leave here, go to the cemetery, cry for a bit, and then sit on my couch and veg out or go to a park and sit on a bench with a cup of coffee and watch the ducks float in a pond. I don’t want to be here today. I don’t want to be around other people on a day like this. I don’t want to hear the voices around me, I don’t want to pull off conversations about work related or unrelated topics. I just want to be alone with my grief and deal with it. But I can’t do that. I have things to do here, and at home. How do you grieve and handle your responsibilities all at the same time without letting anyone down and without anything suffering (other than yourself)? I wish I had the answer to this question. Maybe this would be easier to handle if I knew how to do it, but I have absolutely no clue what the hell I’m doing and I wish I could ask for help, but there’s no help to be had. No matter how many people want to help, or how they try to help, there really isn’t a way to make this better. Some days it sucks, and some days it sucks a little less, but it always sucks. No one can make it better; there is no magic formula to make it go away. My mom is gone and some days, that fact is the small print and other days it is written on a huge billboard that I can’t take my eyes off of. Today, is a billboard day.
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