Daily struggle

Sometimes I feel like because I’m not a total wreck on the outside, that I’m expected to just be fine.  I feel like just because I’m not crying my eyes out all the time, I’m able to hold myself together most days, that some people think I’m okay.  I get out of bed every day, I go to work and I look put together, I take care of my daughter and get her ready and off to school, I give her lunch and snacks, I play with her, I put her in bed.  I function so I must be just fine. But I’m not.   Every day, I miss my mom.  Every day there is something that says she’s not here.  Sometimes it’s just a thought or a reminder, but sometimes it’s something that just screams in my ear and makes me want to crawl into bed and cry my eyes out.  Those days aren’t as frequent as they used to be, but they still come and when they do, they come on hard.  But I still do a pretty good job of looking like I’m okay on the outside, even though inside I am fighting the urge to fall apart.

I love my boyfriend very much; I knew we would spend the rest of our lives together the day he walked through my door for the first time.  He’s my soul mate, if they exist of course.  I’ve never wanted a life with anyone the way I’ve wanted a life with him.  But there are times that it feels like he forgets that my mom is gone and I’m a mess.  Sometimes I just want to scream – “I HAVE A DEAD MOM” – just to get my point across.  Sometimes, he can be selfish (I think every man can be on some level) and because of that it makes me feel like I’m not important, my needs aren’t important and what I’m going through takes a backseat to whatever his issues are.  I don’t expect to be front and center, priority one all the time, but sometimes (like now) I should be.  My mom died and I struggle, on some level, every day with it; but that doesn’t take priority over anything.  Yes, he watches the baby when I go to the gym now; he thinks the gym will help with my stress level (I’m just looking to get rid of the extra pounds I put on by my cookie-ladened diet of the last few months).  And generally if I want to do something on the weekend alone, he’ll watch her alone.  But when he wants to go away, and I say things like “this is hard for me”, he might as well roll his eyes and leave the room.  He makes me feel like the struggles I have aren’t important; his struggles are more important than mine.  They aren’t more important, they’re just different and it is very hard for me to know that he doesn’t feel that way.