*Sigh*

I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s up with me today. it’s not a ‘bad’ day, per se, but I know it’s not a good one either.  And I can’t explain it.  I’m not weeping, and I’m not being a total byatch to people, so I have no idea what’s up but I’m not happy.  Just not.  I had a dream about my boss, it was weird – we were planning an event at a hotel that she had stayed at and I think it was the hotel she stayed at when her father was sick, which makes no sense because she’s in Italy and I work in America. But that’s how my brain set it up for me last night.  No idea what, if any, significance that has.

I’m just not very motivated today to do much and I’m a little down.  No exact reason, I guess, just a little down.  I guess the passing of time, and having everything be renewed on some level because of what’s going on with my boss has affected me and I’m just down about it.  I wish that I didn’t relate to her right now in this way, but I do.  I work for a fairly small branch of our company – around 100 people work in this office – and we’ve had five deaths of family members so far this year.  That’s a lot in my book.  One was a sibling, the rest were parents.  And no matter how old you are, or how old they are, it’s still sad and it still changes your life.  If I was 10 I’m sure that this would feel differently, but at 40 it isn’t a picnic either.  It’s not that I need my mom to be here; I never really ‘needed’ her or felt like I did, and that’s just the outcome to how I was raised.  But I need to feel like she’s here, and I don’t. I feel a void, I feel that she’s gone, and that’s something I struggle with every day.  Some days I ignore it, some days I push it to the side, some days it slaps me in the head.  Today, I’m not sure what it is but I’m just a little down. I wore what I like to call my ‘happy’ shoes today; they are red patent leather pumps that I bought with the gift card my parents gave me for Christmas last year. I knew that I was going to have a rough road ahead, so I went out the weekend between Christmas and New Year’s and bought these shoes.  I bought them because they made me happy and I needed something to make me happy; when I look at them today, they make me happy but they also make me sigh a bit because they represent a very tough time, a time that became harder than it already was very quickly, and they are also the last gift my mom gave me.  I hope to one day look down at them and smile, thinking that she would have loved them had she seen them, but today I look down and just sigh.