Ugh I feel like such an asshole this morning. I really do. When Emily was still in the infant room at school, the head teacher – and one of our favorites – fell in the parking lot and hurt her back to the point that she was out of work from around October or November until today. she’s a lovely woman; sometimes a little ‘know it all’ about the kids but overall very sweet and kind. She always had positive things to say about our daughter, was always very supportive and thoughtful and she was always so excited when Emily did something new whether it was walking, talking, helping with projects, anything at all.
Today she came back. She was in Emily’s classroom when we got there. She hugged us, she kissed us both and said how much she missed us. and then put her hand on my arm and said “I am so sorry for your loss”. She remembered. My mom has been gone for four months and she remembered. I said thank you, it was very fast and very hard – the entire time trying my best to not let my eyes fill up with tears. And as she looked at me and said sorry again and rubbed my arm again, I could see that she saw the tears in my eyes. I’m sure she would have seen them no matter what – Ms. Nadia is very astute. And since then, I can’t seem to stop crying. I don’t know if it’s the fact that she remembered, or that it’s been a while since I’ve heard someone say it, but something has tripped it and I can’t seem to stop it. so here I sit, at my desk with tears in my eyes for the umpteenth time in four months. My parent’s anniversary, or what would have been their anniversary, is this Wednesday. 59 years it would have been, and she’s not here for it. I thought I would be crying over that, not condolences that are four months old. But I guess the age doesn’t matter, it’s the sincerity and caring behind those words.
It’s amazing to me that words like that touch me so much and turn my day on its ear, as they say. Just now I glanced at the clock and saw “11:11”, at which time you’re supposed to make a wish. I said (out loud, with my office door closed) “I want to hear from my mom, that’s all I wish for is to know that she’s okay.” I wish for it all the time and I hope that day will come soon.
I will say this – there was a bright side to this morning. Seeing Ms. Nadia talk to Emily’s current teachers made me proud. She said “you have to watch out for this one, she is SMART, she always has been very smart and she watches EVERYTHING”. Makes me proud to know that my kid was one that stood out in the crowd as being smart and observant; makes me proud to be her mom and makes me wish even harder that my mom was here to see her. She would be the proud, beaming Grandma who would say “of course she is, look who her grandmother is” when told how smart her little girl is.
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