Carrying too much

As I debate over what I should or should not do this weekend, I try to prioritize my tasks.  I need to join a gym – seriously, I must do this because I have gained weight since my Mom died (I never met a cookie I didn’t like and I really liked them the last few months) and I don’t like how I look or feel so I need to pick one of the two that are by my house to give my cash to.  I need to run to Target – not literally, I don’t run (see task number 1 for more info on that).  And I’m debating on going to the cemetery.  My sister and my dad went on Mother’s Day and I feel like I should go.  I know that she wouldn’t want me to go because I felt like I had to; no, wait, I don’t think she would care because she would expect me to go. I don’t know. I know that’s not where she is, but I don’t know where it is that she’s currently hanging out so that’s the closest I have to a place where I feel like I can visit her.  And I  miss my mom.  I miss seeing her and I miss feeling like she’s here so maybe if I go there, I’ll feel some….I don’t know….solace, maybe.

Juggling all of this is hard, I don’t know how other people do this.  I work full-time at a very demanding and sometimes insanely stressful job.  I have a 2 year old that is very demanding and sometimes very stressful, especially when she’s not sleeping through the night or throwing a tantrum every 5 minutes.  I have a boyfriend who is also – you guessed it – demanding, stressful, yada yada.  I have an elderly father who is not in the best of health who I worry about every single day since my mom passed (it was every OTHER day before that).  I have an older sister who doesn’t take the best care of herself at almost 50 years old, who – it seems – represses how she feels about my mom being gone because she never brings it up.  I have a vacation coming up to plan for, a 2 year old’s birthday to plan for (yeah that kid is getting a BBQ in the yard and some cupcakes). I  have laundry to do, cleaning to do, an old cat to clean up after, a car that needs new tires (all 4 – yippee!), misc aches and pains from a car accident 3 years ago that will haunt me until I die, a boss whose father is dying and may be dead as I type this, more work than one person can handle at my paying job and somehow I am supposed to manage my grief, too.  Just fit that in between all the other stuff, I suppose.  When in all reality, everything else gets squeezed into whatever spots aren’t taken over by grief, not the other way around.  I am thankful for the days when I’m not obsessively trolling the internet for every ounce of information that will just fire me up even more; I am thankful for the days that don’t start and end with a big crying session in my bathroom.  I am thankful for the days when I can laugh and not feel guilty; I am thankful for any day when I don’t feel any guilt at all – those can be rare at times.  I carry a good amount of guilt for how things went with my mom and there are times when I just want to kick myself in the ass for so very many things.  Women are built to be good multi-taskers but sometimes, I think the great creator had it wrong, or at least overestimated our abilities because really…look at that list!!  I have too much, I don’t care what anyone – divine or otherwise – says.  Yes, I have a uterus but that doesn’t mean I can carry the world’s problems and my grief in it.  It’s a womb, not a deluxe set of Louie Vitton luggage that comes with its own personal valet, thank you very much