Ouch, my brain

I woke up with a horrible migraine, which is probably an indication that I got way too upset last night.  My daughter knocked some jewelry off of my dresser last night accidentally and I was crushed because I believe I have lost one earring of the pair that my sister just gave me for my birthday.  They’re beautiful and they’re the only jewelry I got for my birthday and I am so upset that I will most likely never wear them again.  And, as I looked for them, I kept dropping other things and knocking other things over and getting pulled away by my daughter to go watch something or look at something that she did and I was just so upset.  I kept thinking that if my mom could hear me and see me, she would help me find that one earring and she didn’t help me.  I didn’t know where to look, I looked everywhere but still didn’t find it.  I didn’t know what to do.  It suddenly made me feel very alone and very sad.  If she was still here, she would have made my dad get me jewelry for my birthday, I know she would have.  But she isn’t here, so he bought me a gift card to Kohl’s. It’s fine, I didn’t expect anything big or full of meaning from him because it’s my dad.  She would have gotten me jewelry, which I think is why my sister did.  And now, I can’t wear it and that made me really, really sad.  So I cried.  I ugly cried on my bedroom floor as I looked for the tenth time under my bed and under the dressers.  And I cried and cried and cried.  I stopped, eventually, but I cried for a while and my eyes ached a little this morning so I know I cried a lot.  So, that and the hormones that are involved with the current state of my monthly cycle, I got a migraine.

Mourning has taught me how easily a small thing can change everything and make you miserable.  I was okay yesterday and last night, for the most part. And when that happened, I lost it and there was no turning back.  As soon as I started to think about my mom and how I feel like she isn’t here, she isn’t with me, and maybe she isn’t with me because she hates me or blames me for what happened, I just cried.  I didn’t have a great relationship with her, we weren’t THAT close, but no one wants to think that their mom hates them.  When an ex hates you, when a best friend says they hate you, when a sibling says they hate you, all of that hurts.  But when you think your parent hates you, that hurt runs deep and kicks you in the gut harder than any you could ever get anywhere else.  And the worst part is that if that parent is dead, you will never really know the truth and that uncertainty sucks.