It wasn't THAT bad

Mother’s Day didn’t suck as hard-core as I thought it was going to, which was nice.  We kept busy, which I think made a big difference.  Yesterday was also the 4^th month ‘anniversary’ of my mom’s passing.  I didn’t realize it until I was at my Dad’s house, picking up a CD of pictures from the funeral home, and I looked at the calendar.  That made me feel pretty shitty.  How could I let it pass me by and not realize it?  I guess it’s a sign of progress but at the same time, I really wanted to kick my own ass for that.  I’m sure my Dad knew and my sister knew, why didn’t i?  I thought I would never forget it but I didn’t know the date, I guess I didn’t really want to.

I thought a lot about the women that are missing their mothers on Mother’s Day. It’s not that I didn’t; I miss her every day.  But we didn’t have a ritual or a custom of doing something specific that day.  She didn’t cook – that was a no-no in her book.  So we might have gone out to dinner; although now that I think about it, my dad would have taken her out to brunch.  She loved brunch.  So he would have done that and then the rest of us would have gone over in the afternoon to hear all about the food at the brunch, the people at the brunch and what they wore, the unruly children at the brunch, the service and what they wore and what they said, and to give her some gifts.  I would have sent her flowers from Emily, but I don’t know what I would have gotten her.  Jewelry was always an easy gift for her; I bought her a shamrock necklace for Christmas that had small diamonds in it (I had initially bought her a locket but then remembered, as I walked out of the store, that I had already bought her one for Mother’s Day – she was buried with that locket).  I guess that will end up being mine once we start going through her things.

I feel bad for the women out there, in my social circle and beyond, that truly and deeply missed their moms yesterday.  For those families that surrounded that woman with love and joy on that day, for those families that had real rituals – breakfast in bed, hand-made cards, Mom’s favorite TV shows and favorite activities all day long with Mom’s favorite dinner at the end of the day – yesterday must have been horrible.  I know a number of my friends posted about missing their moms yesterday and how hard that day is annually.  Every day is hard for me, at least on some level, and I know it gets easier but right now, it’s hard to see the ‘easier’.  I don’t know where it is or where it begins and there’s a small part of me that doesn’t want it to start because that will mean that time has passed and the memories have faded and she has faded farther into the past.  That idea makes me sad.  I know that my brain is trying to protect me, which is why I can’t see her in my mind and I have a hard time remembering certain details about her, but I think I need my brain to knock it the f off and just let me remember.  I want to, or at least today I want to, and it would be nice if I could think about her and remember her smile or her laugh or her blue eyes. I think that wouldn’t be the most horrible memory to be able to see her happy instead of some of the images I can’t get out of my mind.