Why don't I feel it?

This is very strange and I can’t explain it – I don’t feel sad.  I feel like I got all of my grief and sadness out on my birthday and I’m okay now.  I’m not sad, I’m not thinking about my mom all the time, I feel some level of peace for some reason and I really have no idea why.  I haven’t felt this since before we found out she was sick so it’s been months; we found out on December 23^rd so it’s been a long time. I have no idea why I feel like this now.  it’s not like this is over, by any means.  My parents’ anniversary is in a few weeks, Mother’s Day is two weeks away, my sister’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, my dad’s birthday…they are all approaching and yet, I’m not sad.  I do feel some pang of sadness when I see the Mother’s Day commercials – the flower and chocolate commercials get me since that’s what I used to get her before Emily came into the picture – and I know I will be avoiding Hallmark stores and the aisles of cards at the stores for the next week or two but I’m not sad.  I’m just not and I can’t explain it.  I probably shouldn’t try.  This may be the quiet before the storm.

It’s not like I am totally devoid of emotion, just not full of it right now (I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere).  when I think of my daughter, who is talking more every day and getting into imaginative play all of a sudden, that’s when I lose my stuff and cry.  It hurts so much to think that my mom is missing this; she waited so long to be a grandmother – I didn’t have Emily until I was 38 – and she only got to enjoy her for a year and a half, a little over 18 months.  That makes me sad.  Every time I tell my dad an Emily story that makes him laugh, I think of her and I hope she’s laughing too where ever she is.  I wish I could know, I wish I could hear it.  But she’s not with me and I don’t know if she ever will be.