Just rolling with it

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her in one way, shape or form.  Whether its about how proud she would be that Emily is potty training, how much she would LOVE hearing Emily say “hi” or how she would make some sort of jab about my dad and/or their marriage on the eve of their anniversary.  There’s always something and today, it’s a lot of different things.  Thankfully, nothing that makes me cry – at least so far (knocking on wooden-esque desk).  Some days I think I’m just too involved with my own stuff to cry, which is a little sad and self-involved if you ask me.  And it reminds me of how “busy” I was to not notice that her situation was a lot worse off than anyone thought it was, and I didn’t force her to go to the doctor sooner; I was always calling her out on her stuff, telling her to go to a doctor and making her go but this time, I didn’t do it until it was way too late.  I live with that fact every single day, not a fun fact to live with.  Maybe if I had pushed her to go sooner, or if I had gone to an appointment earlier than the one where we heard there was a tumor on her kidney, maybe she’d still be here.

And then I try to remember that if she was still here, there is a good chance she would be sick and tired and just miserable.  Treatments, surgeries, experimental drugs and immunotherapies would have made her just miserable.   And that’s not living.  If she was here, she might be confined to a bed or so tired that she could never get out of bed except for the bare necessities.  I didn’t want that then and I don’t want that now.  I want her to be here, but not like that.  I think that would be worse than what it was in January, which was pretty damn horrible.

I am grateful for days like today when I can think of her and not cry, not be so sad that I want to crawl under my desk and bawl my eyes out. These are decent days and have become more frequent lately.  The only problem is that, when a bad day does hit, it hits even harder because they aren’t the norm so I’m just not ready for it to fly in out of nowhere and land square in the middle of my day, of my life.  Yesterday I wasn’t prepared at all; the morning was going well, I had fun with Emily before taking her to school, she was happy to go to school, things were great. And then it all went to hell in a moment and never really rebounded.  That’s the thing with bad days – they last the whole day, sometimes more but I never know.  I know that I need to just go with the flow, which is hard when you’re a gigantic control freak like me, and I do my best but some days my best is nowhere good enough to withstand the waves of sadness that pound on me over and over throughout the day.  I don’t know how other people do it but I know that on my bad days, I struggle to be at work and actually get anything done. Which sucks and isn’t good; I’m lucky that right now I’m not so insanely busy that I can’t slack a bit from time to time, but if this was a different time (like it will be in a few weeks) I’m not sure how to handle it.  I guess I’ll just have to go with the flow, right?