Resolve

Resolution is good; I hate when things linger.  I am not one to sweep issues under the proverbial carpet and let them fester.  Conflict is uncomfortable and makes things awkward so I would much rather deal with issues head on, discuss them, solve them and move past them.  Rob is not exactly of the same mind-set, although he’s getting better at it thankfully. Last night he actually started the conversation with me, and for that I am impressed and proud.

Apparently I wasn’t “raining on everyone’s parade”, I was raining on his personal, fictitious parade.  He wanted to have a good day, go out and do whatever I wanted – he had forgotten that I asked that he figure out what we were doing – and enjoy the day and have some cake.  I was unhappy, I was sad, I didn’t want to celebrate and it upset him because that pretty picture he had in his head wasn’t possible.  He didn’t know what to do so he backed off; unfortunately he back off so much that he isolated me. He is also a bit resentful, it turns out.  I didn’t think of it but my grief causes reactions in him; he has a failed marriage under his belt that included children – one of which is a teenager and who was moved out of state by his mother so she could be closer to her family.  He grieves the loss of the relationship he once had with his son, the ability to see him any time and the ability to spend holidays and birthdays with his children – all of whom now live out of state with or near the ex.  He is not as open as I am though, so I don’t know when he wants to talk about something or how he feels about something because he never talks about it.  I don’t stop talking, so we are different in that respect; when I’m upset and want him to check in on me, hug me, be supportive that tweaks something in him that says “I’m upset too, I have sad stuff too”.  So – we both need to do a little learning and growing in this area. He needs to be okay with my bad days and not be afraid to approach me, hug me, ask if he can do anything; I know that I’m a bit of a bear on those days, which is why I tend to sit in my office with the door closed a lot on those days.  I need to recognize that, although he doesn’t say it, he has his own grief and I need to ask if he’s okay, what he needs, if he wants to talk.  If I’m sad because I’m missing her, that may cause him to miss his family too. Even though they’re not gone, they’re not here and that’s hard for him too.  It’s hard for me to consider them similar situations – he can see his family, he can talk to his family, I will never see or talk to my mom again – but I need to accept that it was a loss, and a loss is a loss no matter how it happens.

This has made me realize that it doesn’t just hurt me and that it doesn’t just change me.  It changes other people and it changes relationships with those people. Rob didn’t know my mom that well, and he thought we had a pretty bad relationship – which we did – so her death really didn’t impact him personally, but I hope that with better communication and being more open that he can understand why I am dealing with it the way that I am and in turn, I can see why he deals with his grief the way that he does and I can help him to open up a little bit more to me.  I don’t want my grief to get in the way of having a successful relationship and I can easily see now how that could happen.