Relaxing on the Coast

I've been quiet this week- we took our daughter on vacation for a few days to  Maine. She loved it, which was great and so did we.  The food was great, the house we rented was great, it was pretty stress-free overall.  I think we all needed some time away to relax, get away from the messy house and the smelly old cat and the running around constantly to get things done that - in the grand scheme of things - aren't that important.

I watched my daughter marvel at the ocean and splash in tide pools.  I watched as she fearlessly wanted to walk and climb on the top of a mountain without help.  I was in awe of her, more than I usually am.  And it was a distraction that I needed and welcomed; I went days without feeling that void and that emptiness.  I did though pause, at least twice, to look up at the sky and hope that my mom could see it.  I can't show her the pictures of the crashing waves, or of my daughter standing at the top of a huge rock laughing and I can't tell her about the first time she said "owl".  But I can hope and pray, of which I did both, that she could see it as it was happening.  I stood on huge rocks of pink granite with tears in my eyes saying (out loud because no one was around and the toddler was happily splashing around with her father) "We miss you every day, and I hope that you are here now because she is having so much fun and it makes me sad to think that you're missing it".  This was not one of those "holy crap that's amazing" moments; I did not see an eagle fly over, a seal leap out of the sea or any other misc natural phenomenon that could be misconstrued as a sign.  It was quiet, except for the crashing waves and the yelling of my name in the background.  But still, I hope.  I hope that somehow she was there, but I will never know if she was.  It's been 5 months and still, I feel nothing but that void.  I keep hoping and praying and hoping some more, but there's no response and no magical sign from beyond that she's here.  So maybe she's just too busy with Pavarotti or Raymond Burr to pay any attention to me.  I hope that's all that it is.  See?  There goes that hope again.