It’s funny how sometimes, I’m just going about my day and doing regular things and suddenly BAM I get stopped in my tracks, even if only for a moment. Today, I ventured out to the food store during my lunch hour. I always have the radio on in the car – I am addicted to satellite radio – so on the way back to the office (the huge 3 minute or so drive) a Creed song comes on. And I hear the line “how quickly life can turn around in an instant” and my eyes filled with tears before the lyric was even totally out of Scott Stapp’s mouth. I’ve always been moved by music, no matter what the genre or song I can relate to a lot of what’s out there. But this just bitch-slapped me hard-core and I couldn’t believe how one simple line hit me as hard as it did. And even as I sit here now, I want to continue to cry because I connect with those words on such a deep and painful level right now. My entire life changed, my center shifted, when my mom died; even though I was prepared for it, I knew it was coming, my life changed and I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back to the way it was. I don’t think I’ve been the same person since we found out she was sick; everything changed the day I saw her walk through the door of the doctor’s office. I don’t know if I’ll get back to that person I was; I hope that I can find my way back because the person I am right now is snappish, has very little patience and sometimes just wants to be left alone so desperately that I go in the bathroom and cry my eyes out into a towel so no one can hear me. I had those types of moments before, just like everyone else, but they seem to be happening a lot more often these past few months and it would make me happy to see them gone.
How do you find yourself again when a piece of who you are and a piece of your history just ups and leaves your life forever? How do you feel like you aren’t walking around in your transformed life like it’s a bad V-8 commercial? How do you get back to being okay all the time, instead of whatever this is.
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