A Small Improvement is Still an Improvement

Today is an improvement – I don’t feel as sad or as isolated as I did yesterday, which is good.  This roller coaster sucks.  I hate, really truly hate, that I never know how I’m going to be day to day anymore and honestly, I’m not entirely sure if I ever will.  There is always, ALWAYS, something that makes me think about my mom. Whether it’s things like yesterday, having a coworker come back after losing her father and that making me remember what that first day back was like, or driving past the hospital sign, or thinking about Halloween and how my mom loved picking out Emily’s first Halloween costume (although I am fairly sure it was all my dad’s doing), there is always something and there are days that just one thought tosses me back to those early days and all I want to do is cry in front of her ‘drawer’ at the cemetery.

Last night, as I sat on the floor with our new kitties, I thought “my mom would love you guys” and I got a little choked up.  It’s sad, but true.  They’re cute, fun, have the softest fur ever known to be on a kitty, and they are sticking adorable if I do say so myself.  Let alone all the stuff that Emily is doing or saying now that would crack up my mom to no end (if she could hear it, of course).  It’s sad remembering or realizing that she’s not here to share in this with us, with me.  And as Emily grows up and becomes more of a little girl or a young woman, I will continue to have the same thoughts and feelings.  I knew my parents wouldn’t see her graduate from college, but I hoped they would both be here to see her graduate from pre-school and kindergarten.  I know it’s important to remember the good times (even if there weren’t many) and I know it’s important to try to focus on the fact that she was here long enough to get to know Emily, see her, watch her grow even if it was only for 18 months.  I know it’s important to focus on the good, and not the bad; it’s sometimes not an easy task to accomplish, though.  I remember those last days, even before she went into the hospital and those were not fun-filled days.  Having to convince her to go into the hospital, having to deal with her hating me for making her go to the doctor, my sister fighting with my dad to make the CT appointment for my mom, sitting in the chair and talking to her doctor, sitting in this chair and talking to him again.  It’s hard to not think of those and to not think of everything that came before it.  I do hope that it gets easier to focus on everything else instead of this stuff.  This stuff sucks.