Suck It

Today is what I would like to call ‘shiteshow Tuesday', for a number of reasons.  I think I’ll make a bulleted list…

·         Last night, Emily was a BEAST.  Cried and screamed for 45 minutes in bed before finally passing out.  Thankfully she wasn’t horrible when I went in to wake her up this morning but man, it was hard to let go of the anger and disappointment I had left over from yesterday. Yesterday was really, really hard and I yelled at her once – only once which is surprising given how many times I had to walk away from her mid-tantrum, how many times I had to stop myself to breath so I wouldn’t yell. 

·         I have a bag of my mom’s clothes from Christmas in my house now.  My dad brought it over, thinking I could use some of it or I could just donate it.  I walked past it for the last few days, just glancing at it and trying to pretend it isn’t there – knowing that I at least have to move it, but this morning after my shower it just took over and I started to cry.  I have her stuff, and I don’t have her and it sucks.  I hate this so much.  I miss her, I have no idea if she’s okay, if she’s in heaven or somewhere else, if there even is an after this kind of existence, and I just feel empty today.  She is missing out on so much, and it sucks.

·         My computer wasn’t working when I got here, which meant I couldn’t start doing my prep for a class I have to teach tomorrow.

·         It was fixed but now that I go into the database I see that I don’t have everything that I need.

·         A plan that I wrote was rejected, again, by my executive director for – what I think (and my boss thinks) – really stupid reasons. Seriously, some of this information has appeared in prior plans and NOW she doesn’t like it.   UGH.

·         I don’t have lunch so I am more than just very tempted to have ice cream for lunch because really, why not at this point.

·         I can’t seem to make any headway with prepping because the test system keeps locking up on me.

·         I really wish I could restart this day, stay home, and not be so frustrated.

·         It’s 1:30 and I feel like I have accomplished nothing today – except for flirting via text with my significant other, which is a bonus since things have been a little weird between us lately so I guess I accomplished something…..