Internalize much??

Another one of my co-workers has lost a family member, her father.  I don’t know the details but I do know that he had fallen ill within the last few weeks and passed away yesterday.  Again, my heart is heavy and I just want to cry.  I remember what this part was like, and it was hard – it felt horrifically hard at the time – but not as hard as the days that followed.  Making the arrangements was almost easy, going to the wake wasn’t, going to the funeral wasn’t, going home and getting on with life most certainly wasn’t and still isn’t now.  I don’t know if I will ever again know what ‘easy’ is for my day-to-day; yes some days aren’t hard, some days I don’t cry.  But there are days – like today – when I just need to cry.  It all just reminds me of how hard it was to lose her, to watch her go, and I can only imagine how hard this is for Teresa. 

My unit consists of about 9 or 10 people in all; 5 of us have lost family members in the last year.  Three of us lost parents, one lost a mother-in-law.  Two fathers and a mother.  It doesn’t matter how old you are, it doesn’t matter what kind of person they were, in the end they were your mom or dad and they’re gone.  Thinking of what my co-worker, who I’ve known for over 4 years, is going through today – that first day of getting up and knowing what lies ahead – makes me sad.  Makes me sad for her, her family, her children, and it makes me a little sad for me and mine.  I remember it like it was yesterday and yet, it feels a million miles away….just like my mom.  I don’t feel her, I don’t know if she’s okay or if she’s with us, she’s just gone.  And a day like today reminds me of that feeling that I do my best to ignore, and it’s a feeling that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  It is an emptiness that I can’t describe other than that it makes me feel sad and alone.  Very, very alone.