Dreams - Not Just a Fleetwood Mac Song

Dreams are strange things.  I don’t really want to call them ideas or items or thoughts….i don’t know what the right term is so things it is.  They’re strange.  I’ve never had one of my mom, not since she died.  This morning I kind of did, but it was more of a memory while I was kind of awake than a dream where she came to me and told me something profound.  I had a lot of weird flashback memory stuff happen this morning and this was a part of it.  I remembered the day I brought Emily home, and how cute and tiny she looked sleeping in the backseat beside me.  I remembered the first night in the hospital after she was born and how my sister slept on the couch in my room with us.  (most of it was Emily related, as you can probably tell)  I know there was something in there with my mom, I think it was the night that a car crashed through their living room and I drove down there to see how they were and to pack them up to take them to my sister’s if need be.  I remember her face when I walked in – “oh, hi Sweetheart, what are you doing here?” like it was shocking that one of us would show up after a car drove into their house. (Yes, a car really did crash through the living room wall and into the house.)  and I can kind of remember her voice from that night, too.  Which is a first, I think.  It’s been hard, very hard, to remember her voice.  But with that memory, I kind of do.  It’s fuzzy, not very loud or clear, but it’s there.  And it’s all I have right now, not that I’m ready for more.  I’m not ready to remember her voice full-on; it’s hard enough remembering her face or how she would say “sweetheart”.  I’m doing better than I was months ago, things do get easier with time, but I know that I’ll never be “okay”.  There will never be a time when I don’t cry, when I don’t miss her, when I don’t wonder what things would be like if she was still here.  It’s an odd feeling, knowing that I’ll never actually be “okay” again and that, as my father gets older and sicker, the reality is that I will lose him sooner than later most likely and that will add to my lack of “okay”.  I have to say, that aside from my mom and my best friend, I miss “okay” the most.