Could Be Worse

This morning I had to tell my two-year old that her father was leaving and she wasn’t going to see him for a while.  (He’s going on a vacation with his son to Sweden for 10 or 11 days, I lost count after a while)  When I saw the realization and understanding come onto her face, and heard her cries of “daddy” as she climbed up into his lap in tears, it broke my heart.  Makes me happy she wasn’t really aware of what was going on when my mom died; I don’t know if she remembers her but if I ask her if that’s Grandma when I show her pictures she says yes.  She’s only two so she has no real concept of time – I do tell her what day it is most days, when I remember, but still.  She doesn’t understand that 10 days is less than two weeks, 10 days is less than the time he was in Chicago for work for an unexpected 15 days early last year.  All she knows is that she was just told that Daddy is going away and we won’t be able to see him for a while and we won’t talk to him for a few days.  She cried and whined for him almost the whole way to school, which was hard to hear without breaking into tears myself.

I’m sure there are people in worst positions than myself, I know it.  There are single moms out there that work two and three jobs to make ends meet while someone else raises their children.  There are single dads doing the same thing.  There are families on food stamps, living in cars, unemployed. There are sick parents out there, trying to figure out how to make their children understand that they’ll be okay when their mom/dad is gone and coping with the idea that they won’t be there to see their child grow up, graduate, get married, have children. There are parents dealing with their child having a horrible, deadly disease, praying that their child lives to see another day or another year. There are people out there who are alone, longing for companionship, longing for a child, who can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel; I know that story all too well because I used to be one of those people.  I was alone, thinking I would always be alone because the person I was supposed to be with couldn’t change his life so that we could be together, thinking I would never have a child and that I would have to find the money to adopt or buy sperm and go for invitro.  Yeah, that would have made my Italian father happy; and adoption wouldn’t have made my mother very happy – for some reason she wasn’t thrilled with the idea.  I digress.  Even knowing all of this, having him leave today makes me sad and makes me sad for so many reasons.  I will miss him desperately, for a lot of reasons including the ones that surround our daughter.  Although I do plan on enjoying my nights alone – I’m going to watch the movies I want, the shows I want (hello – Project Runway!), and hog up the whole bed. But even in the midst of enjoyment, there will be an emptiness there next to me on the couch and in our bed.  And I’m kind of tired of emptiness.  Some days, its all I feel.  Unfortunately, I’m going to have some extra emptiness around for the next 10 or 11 days.  Knowing me, I’m going to fill up that emptiness the only way I know how – with my good friends Ben & Jerry.