Memories Make it Real

Today, I miss my mom.  There’s been this surge of memories lately, from when she was in the hospital, and it forces me to remember and feel that she’s gone.  I hate it.  I remember driving home that first night in the snow, and then later wishing I had stayed longer so I could have had more time with her. I still regret leaving when I did.  I remember standing in my kitchen, waiting for the nurse to get on the phone to tell me why they called me “about your mom” at 6am – all while my then 18 month old was crying in the background because she had woken up early and I wasn’t there to get her out of bed.  And I remember calling Rob, telling him I needed him to come home because my mother had been placed on a respirator and was in ICU and I needed to get to the hospital. I remember going into crisis mode, getting ready quickly and heading out so I could get to her, find out what happened and what needed to happen next. And I remember the realization that she wasn’t going to wake up, sitting in the room in silence, watching her breath on a machine for days.  I remember it like it happened yesterday; I feel it like it happened yesterday, too.  On Monday, it will be seven months and yet, today, I feel like I just lived it.  I feel like……I don’t know…..I feel like I’m watching a movie in my head, one of those real tear-jerkers that you only watch when you know you’re okay with crying over a stupid movie.  I can see myself in the kitchen, I can see myself pacing the hallway outside of her room day after day, I can see myself sitting on the couch with Rob and saying to him “I don’t want to do this” the afternoon of the wake.   I know that this is passing and I most likely won’t feel this badly tomorrow.  But today.  Today I just really truly miss her and I would give anything for the chance to go back to that night so I could sit with her a little while longer, talk to her a little bit more, and enjoy the time that we had left.  I didn’t know it would be cut short so soon and so fast, but I wish I had intuition just so I would have stayed just a little bit longer.  I really do.