7 Months Gone

Today it’s been seven months since my mom passed away.  January 11 – August 11.  It goes by so quickly.  I think about what was going on then – snow storms every week, my kid was transitioning into the toddler room and she’ll soon be transitioning out, she was sick the day my mom passed away and was sick again two weeks later, having to call my sister after talking to the doctor, ugh I don’t care to think about the rest of it any more than I already am as I type this.

I’m alone with Emily right now; Rob has been in Sweden since last week.  Grieving makes me feel very alone, and being alone with her makes it even harder.  Saturday, for some reason, was rough for me.  I guess because I knew I wasn’t going to hear from him and he’s really all I have in terms of support with Emily.  Most of my really close friends live hours away; and those that are close can’t take care of Emily for me because she doesn’t really know them.  This experience has taught me that I need to do a better job at building up a support system on my own because it’s not going to happen magically and I can’t always do this alone.

I’m trying to focus on the good stuff right now – Rob will be home sooner than later and I want to bake cookies or make a special dinner or something for when he comes home. A week from tonight I go to see two of my favorite bands play.  And not too far off, I’m going to Disney with my best friend to celebrate our 40^th birthdays in style!  I don’t want to dwell on the past, even though it’s only seven or eight months in the past. This morning I started to think about Christmas for some God-forsaken reason and I stopped myself; her gifts from last year are still in the Living Room, or at least they were the last time I was at the house.  I don’t want to think about things that will make me any more sad than I already am underneath my busy and a bit stressed exterior.  I don’t want to spend my day trying to cry on the inside; you really can’t shed tears internally. I tried, it doesn’t work, it’s a totally external process damn it.  So I’m going to focus on my work today – it’s  a busy day thankfully – and try to not check my email a thousand times, and try to ignore the date.  I don’t want to remember that right now, I’m kind of alone in all that I do and I don’t want to push myself inwards any more than my brain already wants me to be.